Thursday, April 22, 2010

give up? ain't happenin'.

I've never sweated so much.

I've tried to work this hard, but without a goal (or a program to force a goal on me), it's been too easy to work only hard enough to hurt a little. Now, however, I have a better sense of what it's like to work so hard there is no pain.

The thing is, I haven't really wanted to do the last two runs this week. Tuesday night I was feeling discouraged, as though my efforts haven't been paying off.

(I know, I know; my last post was all about how good it feels that my body is changing. Turns out that was the calm before the emotional storm.)

I ran on Tuesday despite feeling it was futile. Of course I was happy that I did, but I'm still working on my patience.

Tonight I got home and I just knew I was too tired. I'm always tired when I get home from work but I can usually eat dinner and recover pretty quickly. This time, I was so tired I didn't even want to eat.

I made myself heat up some shepherd's pie from M&M and I played a little on the Internet as I waited for the food to take effect.

It didn't happen.

As I lay my head on my pillow at 6:30 I realized I would probably wake up in a couple of hours. I vowed that if I did I'd run. At 8:33 I got out of bed and prepared to stretch.

Twenty-five minutes is a long time to run. It's hard to believe that six weeks ago I had difficulty running for 90 seconds. I burned a record number (for me) of calories tonight: 370.

My friend THG tells me that he gets through his runs by imagining that if he stops someone will hurt one of his family members. I tried that but it didn't really work for me. Instead, I'll stick to my daydreams of sexy clothing and dance floors and an actual ass. I'd love to have an actual ass; my maternal genetics have denied me one of those 'til now.

I'm happy to be running rather than living the sedentary, fast food-filled life I was caught up in before. That doesn't mean I won't lack motivation now and then. Luckily, life experience has taught me how important it is to force myself forward.

By the way, I've sort of figured out what was happening with my left knee. I thought something was rubbing against my fibula but I played around and realized it's actually my fibula doing the rubbing.

As my knee moves the fibula rises and falls; I think it occasionally hits an artery or vein or something else just under the skin. It still causes zero pain and it doesn't even happen every time my knee moves.

I researched the sensation until I knew more about knee tendons and ligaments and bursa than I ever wanted and still found nothing, so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I figure it'll stop as suddenly as it began.

Of course, if you have any ideas, feel free to pass them along. Just remember: the sensation isn't in my knee and there is absolutely, unequivocally, no pain.

Oh, and I'm weirdly built. Remember: I'm a girl without an ass.

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