Tuesday, December 14, 2010

chomp on *this*, life!

When I was in my very early 30s my grampy died. I had no job, the guy I loved was tormenting me with feelings that took me on a roller-coaster ride and I was having trouble making rent.

My friend Billy told me it could always get worse, which infuriated me enough that I stormed out of my own house.

Not only was he right - it got worse within the year when my mother died - I see now that he wasn't trying to belittle what was happening at the time.

Ever since then, when bad things happen, I'm conscious they can always get worse.

Last time I posted I thought I was in a rough place. I knew it could get worse - and it has. And I know it could get worse still. So I'm keeping my head up, plowing forward, somehow determined to thrive.

On Friday afternoon I was approached at work by my manager's manager. In two-plus months he's only really spoken to me when something's gone wrong so I was immediately on my guard. I asked him what I'd done now (paranoia, much?), and he sorta smiled and said to come along 'for a sec'.

An HR person was already in the room and she had a letter in front of her. I had a feeling I was about to get a talking to for some tension I'd caused on Tuesday and I knew it would be embarrassing because I had handled a situation badly by letting myself become impatient and frustrated. I was ready to own up to that, however. In fact, I'd already apologized to the people affected.

But no, I wasn't getting a talking to. I was getting fired.

'I wasn't fitting in' and since my employment was within the probationary period, that was that.

My dream job had just been flushed.

But that was on Friday. Every day since I've lifted myself taller and taller, doing what needs to be done (i.e. look for work, apply for Employment Insurance benefits, email people with ideas for things I could do for them), and today I got my first piece of work doing some freelance writing.

Phew.

And now it's time to play catchup (again).

December 10Wisdom 
Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

It's not surprising that all these questions seem so relevant to me right now. It's only natural, in fact, that I'd try to find a way to apply them to recent history as opposed to events that are more difficult to remember. But seriously: omgwtf?!?

The wisest decision I made was on Friday afternoon when I kept my plans to visit my aunt and uncle in Moncton, 90 minutes away. Instead of driving into a concrete wall, of course.

I've just described how it played out so I'll move on to the next one.

December 1111 Things 
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Oh, shit. I'm really attached to my things. I already know that because the South African hottie and I argue about how much I love my iPhone, my laptop and my Bath & Body Works toiletries.

I got 'permission', of sorts, to sell my grandmother's Wedgwood china, so that's a likely sacrifice. My aunt had once told me that if I didn't want it I should sell it to her but I knew that if I did it she'd resent it so I kept my mouth shut and held on to the china. This weekend she volunteered that if I wasn't using it I should sell it. w00t.

I could sell the thousands of dollars worth of cross stitch supplies I have stored away, but I still dream of having time to complete projects on a regular basis.

I could sell my bike, which I haven't ridden regularly in years, but I still dream I'm going to ride it because it feels so damn good and I spent so much money on cycling clothing. Which I could also sell.

I've already given up on replacing the Garmin I ruined on one of our apartment-hunting trips to Fredericton.

There's not much else to mention. I own a laptop, a nice bed, an okay flatscreen, an older TiVo, some books and some clothing. I could get rid of the TiVo (I'm not using it) and the flatscreen, I suppose (I'm not using it). I guess I'll look at kijiji later this week....

Will getting rid of this stuff change my life? Sure, if I earn some money from them. I might even gain a modicum of respect from the South African hottie, for that matter. In the long run, though? I'll have less stuff to move when the time comes, but that's it.

China plus flatscreen plus TiVo is only three things, but I may find another item or two of I try. Let me start small, okay?

You still with me?

Good. Next!

December 12Body Integration
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

No.

December 13Action
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

The job hunt. See above.

December 14Appreciate
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

It really is getting easier to pull myself out of the manure pile. I express gratitude by talking about it and by smiling. And by telling the South African hottie he should congratulate me on my little bit of freelance work instead of telling me I have to replace his Pyrex dish I broke this morning.

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