Wednesday, December 8, 2010

i should probably just go to bed

Yesterday was a craptacular day.

I made something of an ass of myself at work and that, on top of remarkably poor and sparse sleep the night before, meant that preparing dinner was as much as I could muster before trying once again to rest.

That's made me late with my #Reverb10 entry, but I intend to do double-duty tonight.

December 7Community.
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I haven't experienced community in many years, though I came close during my last few years in Nova Scotia. I'd been at my job for so long that I knew tons of people and was known for my real self by a decent number of those, and that wasn't bad at all. Now that I've moved away I'm on my own again, so community isn't something I feel a part of right now.

I want to be a more substantial part of the community at my new workplace, but I believe that will take just as many years to accomplish as it did in Nova Scotia, so I have quite a way to go.

I can't express how painful it is to be away from people who know me. I feel isolation, helplessness, anxiety and frustration. I don't yet share a language with anyone in New Brunswick and so a lot of my time is spent inside myself, which isn't a particularly bright and sunny place to be right now.

Self-pity isn't always with me, but it's there. I try to summon patience, too, knowing that my circumstances will change with time. So there's hope, but I stumble a little too often in these early days.

December 8Beautifully Different.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

Oh, for crying out loud. I hate these things.
I'm not a goddam snowflake and I'm not special and I'm not beautiful. It's all a lot of horse manure.

I'm getting by, like everybody else. Sometimes things go amazingly well and I'm on top of the world and I feel great and I know I'm loved and I feel secure, and other times things are really rough, but most of the time it's just mundane and routine and ordinary. I go to work, I make huge and embarrassing mistakes, I worry I'll be fired, I think about quitting, I think about giving up and that's what lots of people do every day.

This isn't a dark time at all. It's just not the best time and there's nothing remarkable about that in the least. I'm not remarkable, either, but that's not a bad thing.

I'm not the best person to talk to right now, is all.


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