i should probably just go to bed

Yesterday was a craptacular day.

I made something of an ass of myself at work and that, on top of remarkably poor and sparse sleep the night before, meant that preparing dinner was as much as I could muster before trying once again to rest.

That's made me late with my #Reverb10 entry, but I intend to do double-duty tonight.


December 7 – Community.
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I haven't experienced community in many years, though I came close during my last few years in Nova Scotia. I'd been at my job for so long that I knew tons of people and was known for my real self by a decent number of those, and that wasn't bad at all. Now that I've moved away I'm on my own again, so community isn't something I feel a part of right now.

I want to be a more substantial part of the community at my new workplace, but I believe that will take just as many years to accomplish as it did in Nova Scotia, so I have quite a way to go.

I can't express how painful it is to be away from people who know me. I feel isolation, helplessness, anxiety and frustration. I don't yet share a language with anyone in New Brunswick and so a lot of my time is spent inside myself, which isn't a particularly bright and sunny place to be right now.

Self-pity isn't always with me, but it's there. I try to summon patience, too, knowing that my circumstances will change with time. So there's hope, but I stumble a little too often in these early days.


December 8 – Beautifully Different.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

Oh, for crying out loud. I hate these things.
I'm not a goddam snowflake and I'm not special and I'm not beautiful. It's all a lot of horse manure.

I'm getting by, like everybody else. Sometimes things go amazingly well and I'm on top of the world and I feel great and I know I'm loved and I feel secure, and other times things are really rough, but most of the time it's just mundane and routine and ordinary. I go to work, I make huge and embarrassing mistakes, I worry I'll be fired, I think about quitting, I think about giving up and that's what lots of people do every day.

This isn't a dark time at all. It's just not the best time and there's nothing remarkable about that in the least. I'm not remarkable, either, but that's not a bad thing.

I'm not the best person to talk to right now, is all.

Ha!