Dear Diary, Second Edition

tearful and fearful

2011-09-26T11:39:00.000-03:00

I'm preparing to move again - second time in just over six months - and I feel the depression deep inside my belly.

The anxiety of hoping I get everything done in time, the pressure from the landlord to be out a bit early so she can get extra cleaning and painting done, taking on responsibility for the damage deposit that won't even come back to me (it was paid by the South African Hottie when he moved in) ... these are just a few of the things taking their toll on me.

I've received help moving some things, thank goodness, but I need a little more and I'm afraid to ask. I hate asking people to put themselves out for me. I'd rather experience the stress of doing things myself ... but some things I can't do myself.

Fear of the future is what's really eating me, though. Will my needs be met in my new home? Will I be comfortable? Will the South African Hottie come back before the end of the year or will it be at least May before we have a home together again?

This morning, for just a moment, I wished I could go back a year or more to the simple, empty life I had in Nova Scotia. No decisions to be made, just routine movements, same job day after day, same activities night after night.

Safety and security are underrated.

can't take it back

2011-09-19T22:54:00.000-03:00

I had a setback today. I spent $500 on something I didn't need.

What I bought doesn't matter, though I'll tell you for the sake of clarity: I bought bras.

They're very high end and they were 25% off and they fit me noticeably better than what I've been wearing and they even come with matching panties, but I didn't even really want them.

I bought them, I fear, because I was too embarrassed not to.

Isn't that stupid?

I had visited a local shop for the first time. Their sale was advertised on TV so I decided it was an opportune time to refresh that part of my wardrobe. After all, it's been three years since I bought the ones I own now and one of them has already fallen apart and been discarded.

I tried on two dozen bras, each one brought to me by the saleswoman. I didn't look at a single price tag - because I couldn't see them (the change room was lit with dark 'romance' lighting, for one thing) - so it was only once I'd made my selections that I asked about the cost. Ninety-nine dollars for one, $129 for the next and $229 each for the remaining two - but those were 50% off so if I picked one I could get the other for 'free', essentially.

I've never seen $100 bras before, let alone $200 bras. As I stood there stunned, trying to think myself to 'no', someone offered to tally the cost. When I heard the total I considered what that would leave available on my credit card and the answer made it easy to say no to the buying-them-all option, but I still couldn't openly say no to everything.

Even as I moved to process my credit card to pay for the first two bras I was telling myself I could stop - should stop - but I didn't. It was nearly an out-of-body experience, watching myself act and feeling the shock as I observed myself still moving.

As I waited for the approval to show on the screen I saw the store's notice about layaway purchases.

I asked, 'could I do that with the other two bras, the $229 ones?'.

Yes, I could.

And so I did. I put down $60 for a deposit and have committed to paying the remainder within 30 days.

Why? I have no idea whatsoever.

I read another notice while I was waiting: no returns, only exchanges and store credits. No opportunities for buyer's remorse there.

I'm disappointed - to say the least - that I couldn't act on the voice in my head. It has something to do with not being prepared to say no. I believe if I'd seen just one price tag in the shop before heading to the change room, I could have spent the time in there making real decisions about what I wanted to do. At the counter, without the advance knowledge I apparently needed, I was embarrassed to make the decision - the right one - in front of the staff. For some reason, I cared about what they thought of me.

I am aggrieved that I've done this. I've set my financial goals back at least a month. I don't even feel excited about my purchases, though I have admired myself in the mirror a few times since getting home and changing out my old bra for a new one.

Rather than self-flagellate, however, I'm determined to use this day to prevent another. I'll remember how silly my actions were and use that understanding to refuse to make the same mistake again.

In the meantime ... that was definitely stupid. Really, really stupid.

links

2011-09-18T22:24:00.001-03:00

I dreamed of Pappy and Dotty last night. I was traveling in the dream but they surprised me by tracking me down while I was en route to some unknown destination. They looked fantastic; Dotty looked 40 years younger than she is.

I was troubled by the dream when I first woke up, but now that I've talked to my Dad via Skype I feel better. All is well; nothing has changed. Nobody's in heaven. ;)

~ ~ ~

More troubling, it turned out, was a popular thread on reddit. If you read a little of it you should have little difficulty figuring out which link I didn't follow.

I'm a rotten.com fan from way back - I can't even remember the first time I stumbled upon that one - but there are some things I just won't watch. I've seen the pictures of the Hussein boys, I've seen the Japanese chick in the bathtub and I've seen the amputations and deformations and the violent automobile collisions. After merely reading about a couple of serial killers in the Ukraine, however, I think I could give even Two Girls One Cup a go - though I won't. There's repulsive ... and then there's repulsive.

On the other hand, I didn't know I had any innocence left worth corrupting. I'm not naive, but something about what I know is in that leaked footage has infected me.

I deliberately haven't linked to any specifics, of course. I don't presume to know what you can handle and what you can't. If your stomach is weak, you probably shouldn't click on much.

missing

2011-09-17T16:06:00.000-03:00

The last time I saw my father - sometime in late March - he had two legs.

Now much of his right leg has been removed and it just doesn't seem right to me that I wasn't present for either of the two surgeries he had.

In 1982, when Mom left Dad, I started to become the family caretaker, the one who pulled everyone together and made sure things got done.

This time it's my brothers who are doing all the work. It's my brothers who are part of the scene and creating closeness and memories I won't ever be part of.

My Dad and I have always been close. But this time I'm not there and it really hurts. I just hope it hurts me more than it hurts him.

fall back, spring forward

2011-04-14T18:06:00.000-03:00

Last December I lost my dream job. I've been in a fugue state ever since.

It was many weeks before I understood what happened and stopped taking all the blame. It's only now that I feel my life is moving forward again.

Since December I've felt that my professional life was doomed, that I'd never have anything good again. I felt like a train that had jumped the tracks; how in the world would I get back on? I didn't think it was possible.

It turns out I had merely switched track, though I've passed through some pretty barren landscape since then and so it's understandable that I interpreted the emptiness so wrongly.

I have a new opportunity, a new understanding and a renewed determination.

Daylight Savings has returned.

stuff

2011-03-21T22:21:00.000-03:00

For 18 months or so, the South African Hottie has been telling me I have too much stuff. It's not that he's a minimalist, he just won't spend money on anything. We're opposites in that way, which is why I'm broke and he's able to do whatever he wants when he wants to.

My impending move to Alberta to be with the SAH has meant I've had to make decisions about my stuff. I can only take with me what will fit in my car. My life reduced to six totes and a few little bags. Considering I brought a couple of carloads and a cube van load of stuff with me to Fredericton, the past week has meant a purge like I haven't seen since, ironically enough, 2002, the year I returned to the East Coast from Alberta.

This time around, however, the purge has been more conscious. Nine years ago, I packed at the last minute. If it didn't get in the car, it stayed behind. This year, I considered each item individually. Would I try to sell it? Donate it? Store it? Or was it critical enough to take with me?

This time around, I've learned something. I've learned that the only things that matter are the ones that make my life easier. If it doesn't contribute to the meaning of my life, it's got to go. I've kept some frivolous things - I have a frivolous side, after all - but I believe that what remains now has value, either fiscal or 'spiritual'.

One principal that proved helpful to my decisions was this: could I replace the item? If so, bye-bye. Another question I asked was: am I using the item? If not, bye-bye.

Not everything has been easy. Making these decisions day after day and hauling stuff away or packing it into a tote or putting it for sale on Kijiji has been tremendously stressful. I don't want to ever experience this again.

I've told the SAH that I believe I've been addicted to stuff. I don't know if I've broken that addiction - I won't know until I'm tempted again - but I finally see what he's been trying to tell me all this time.

The SAH and I expect to return to the Maritimes in a year or so. I'm curious to know how I'll respond to the items I've decided to store - will I be pleased, or will I wonder why I decided to keep what I did?

Sounds like I've built a short-term time capsule, doesn't it?

a different cancer

2011-02-18T23:04:00.001-04:00

I overheard a colleague today talking about various illnesses she's been diagnosed with. They've caused her suffering beyond the physical, and she was relieved to find a doctor who could treat them - and validate them.

"People think they're all in your head," she explained to her listener.

But what if the illness is in your head? What if you experience depression?

If you experience depression, you routinely make the kind of mistakes that get you marginalized, that hold you back at work, that act like speed bumps on the road to success and happiness. You can't think clearly, your emotions are bigger than your ability to reason, and everything - even the small stuff - seems more meaningful to you than it does to the people around you. I can't count the times I've heard that I'm overreacting.

It's embarrassing, frankly. I look back at some of the ways I've behaved in the past and I wish I could disappear. I think about how others perceive me and I compensate by trying too hard to make people 'like' me or by avoiding personal contact altogether.

I'm too old to be acting so foolishly, I often think. I'm too old to be starting yet another entry level position, I'm too old to be living more like a student than a homeowner.

Depression has stunted my growth and that's something no doctor can treat.

my navel has a scar inside it

2010-12-18T11:46:00.000-04:00

December 17 – Lesson Learned
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I'm once again drawing a blank.

I'm learning that I don't have the patience for this kind of question anymore, that's for sure. There was a time when thinking about myself and writing about myself was satisfying, but that time is long gone.

Yes, yes, this blog is all about me. I get that. But I don't want to treat it like a therapy session. Been there, done that. It's not only boring for me, it's potentially deadly for anyone who may read me.

A life examined is a life well-lived, I agree, but I don't want to do it publicly, I guess.

So why did I choose to participate in Reverb10? Because I wanted to write more. I didn't know it would be this line of topic but even so, I'm okay with that.

It's got me writing, doesn't it?

in my dictionary, s followed t

2010-12-16T22:56:00.001-04:00

December 16 – Friendship
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

In 2009 it was T who changed me. She did it in about a week. She convinced me I was fun, deserved to feel confident and even that I was attractive. No one has ever gotten me to believe those things before. After a week with her, I even believed I was likable and that my friendship was desirable.

In many respects, what she did for me led me to this year's influencer, the South African hottie.

The hottie has led me to sensibility. I've become significantly more aware of my finances and responsibilities, my physical condition and my inner motivations. He's not let me 'fuck the dog' anymore, as they say back home.

The hottie has made me choose and he's made me live. It's not been easy; in fact, it's been a lot like learning to walk after a lifetime in bed. I haven't liked it and sometimes he's pushed me too hard, but mostly he's been on the money. I find him very interesting and frequently infuriating.

He may be away right now, but his influence is still here. If it weren't for that, I'd have waited much longer to pick myself up after the job shoved me down the stairs last week. Now, not only am I doing what's necessary, I'm allowing myself to dream and to chase the things I really want.

i'm glad that's (almost) over

2010-12-15T23:19:00.000-04:00

December 15 – 5 Minutes
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010

Ok, alarm set now!

And... I'm drawing a blank.

It doesn't help that I've had a beer. It doesn't help that the last part of this year has sucked.

Hmmmm.....

You know what? Lots of bits of this year have sucked.

I had some pretty rough times at work - the job before last, not the one I just got fired from.

I drowned my iPhone and a Garmin in Coke.

My purse was stolen and I had to replace all my ID. I also had to pay to have my car towed so we could program a new key for it.

My car was opened - probably with the keys that were still in my purse when it was stolen - and a tote carrying car cleaning supplies was removed. Also inside: a license plate kit that just cost me $50 to replace so that I can put a plate on the front of my car now that I'm in New Brunswick.

The South African hottie went out west to work for a year.

Yeah, I'm gonna need more than five minutes to think of good things that happened.

I got some freelance work that I've been craving for a year. I'm writing reviews for Appolicious. Come visit me!

I got a job in social media. That was a dream, too. It's dead now, maybe, but whatever.

And there are 40 seconds left....

I discovered The Wire! Yeah! Holy shit am I glad of that. Especially as LOST is over.

That's another thing: LOST is over.

Fuck.

chomp on this, life!

2010-12-14T16:27:00.000-04:00

When I was in my very early 30s my grampy died. I had no job, the guy I loved was tormenting me with feelings that took me on a roller-coaster ride and I was having trouble making rent.

My friend Billy told me it could always get worse, which infuriated me enough that I stormed out of my own house.

Not only was he right - it got worse within the year when my mother died - I see now that he wasn't trying to belittle what was happening at the time.

Ever since then, when bad things happen, I'm conscious they can always get worse.

Last time I posted I thought I was in a rough place. I knew it could get worse - and it has. And I know it could get worse still. So I'm keeping my head up, plowing forward, somehow determined to thrive.

On Friday afternoon I was approached at work by my manager's manager. In two-plus months he's only really spoken to me when something's gone wrong so I was immediately on my guard. I asked him what I'd done now (paranoia, much?), and he sorta smiled and said to come along 'for a sec'.

An HR person was already in the room and she had a letter in front of her. I had a feeling I was about to get a talking to for some tension I'd caused on Tuesday and I knew it would be embarrassing because I had handled a situation badly by letting myself become impatient and frustrated. I was ready to own up to that, however. In fact, I'd already apologized to the people affected.

But no, I wasn't getting a talking to. I was getting fired.

'I wasn't fitting in' and since my employment was within the probationary period, that was that.

My dream job had just been flushed.

But that was on Friday. Every day since I've lifted myself taller and taller, doing what needs to be done (i.e. look for work, apply for Employment Insurance benefits, email people with ideas for things I could do for them), and today I got my first piece of work doing some freelance writing.

Phew.

And now it's time to play catchup (again).

December 10 – Wisdom
Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

It's not surprising that all these questions seem so relevant to me right now. It's only natural, in fact, that I'd try to find a way to apply them to recent history as opposed to events that are more difficult to remember. But seriously: omgwtf?!?

The wisest decision I made was on Friday afternoon when I kept my plans to visit my aunt and uncle in Moncton, 90 minutes away. Instead of driving into a concrete wall, of course.

I've just described how it played out so I'll move on to the next one.

December 11 – 11 Things
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Oh, shit. I'm really attached to my things. I already know that because the South African hottie and I argue about how much I love my iPhone, my laptop and my Bath & Body Works toiletries.

I got 'permission', of sorts, to sell my grandmother's Wedgwood china, so that's a likely sacrifice. My aunt had once told me that if I didn't want it I should sell it to her but I knew that if I did it she'd resent it so I kept my mouth shut and held on to the china. This weekend she volunteered that if I wasn't using it I should sell it. w00t.

I could sell the thousands of dollars worth of cross stitch supplies I have stored away, but I still dream of having time to complete projects on a regular basis.

I could sell my bike, which I haven't ridden regularly in years, but I still dream I'm going to ride it because it feels so damn good and I spent so much money on cycling clothing. Which I could also sell.

I've already given up on replacing the Garmin I ruined on one of our apartment-hunting trips to Fredericton.

There's not much else to mention. I own a laptop, a nice bed, an okay flatscreen, an older TiVo, some books and some clothing. I could get rid of the TiVo (I'm not using it) and the flatscreen, I suppose (I'm not using it). I guess I'll look at kijiji later this week....

Will getting rid of this stuff change my life? Sure, if I earn some money from them. I might even gain a modicum of respect from the South African hottie, for that matter. In the long run, though? I'll have less stuff to move when the time comes, but that's it.

China plus flatscreen plus TiVo is only three things, but I may find another item or two of I try. Let me start small, okay?

You still with me?

Good. Next!

December 12 – Body Integration
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

No.

December 13 – Action
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

The job hunt. See above.

December 14 – Appreciate
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

It really is getting easier to pull myself out of the manure pile. I express gratitude by talking about it and by smiling. And by telling the South African hottie he should congratulate me on my little bit of freelance work instead of telling me I have to replace his Pyrex dish I broke this morning.

at least it's not a pity party

2010-12-09T19:51:00.000-04:00

Today has been a good day.

I didn't mention it before but I've recently changed some medication and it's definitely messed with my ability to sleep. My spirits have also suffered because of the switch, and that's on top of the effects brought on by fatigue. I'm not completely stabilized yet but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not far away at all. It'll be very good to be 'right as rain' again.

Here is today's entry:

December 9 – Party
Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Well, shit.

(You may want to say that in a Clay Davis voice, for full effect.)

It's a good thing I don't read these prompts until after I've copied and pasted them. I probably wouldn't write a word.

I don't mean that they're bad ideas. They're just not great for someone who's as much of a loner as I am.

Hell, just today I earned the Lone Wolf sticker on GetGlue, for crying out loud. Even the Web knows my true nature.

A couple of weeks ago it was my birthday. It was also the weekend of the office Christmas party. It was an amazing opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, really celebrate my 46th with a lot of cool people who share one of my most important interests. Oh, and I skipped it because I was too scared to be around people who didn't really know me.

That's a pretty damn classic example of why this kind of prompt isn't an ideal topic for me.

The only gathering I can recall for 2010 was my farewell dinner for my last job. I was surrounded mostly by people who couldn't be trusted (I'm not making this up) and some of the folks I did want to see couldn't make it. Only three could really be called my friends (which isn't a bad number, considering how difficult it is for me to get close to people). Still, they did get me some very cool parting gifts, so I came out of it okay.

By the way, I'm starting to think participation in Reverb10 is going to make me out to be quite the sad and tragic figure, when my life isn't usually like that at all.

Sure, I'm transitioning, and if you know anything about Tarot you know that the card for transition is Death, so if there's a better indicator of how tough change is I can't imagine it.

I'm a content, silly, outgoing and funny woman, usually.

Usually. Just not lately. But life's like that sometimes.

i should probably just go to bed

2010-12-08T21:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a craptacular day.

I made something of an ass of myself at work and that, on top of remarkably poor and sparse sleep the night before, meant that preparing dinner was as much as I could muster before trying once again to rest.

That's made me late with my #Reverb10 entry, but I intend to do double-duty tonight.

December 7 – Community.
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I haven't experienced community in many years, though I came close during my last few years in Nova Scotia. I'd been at my job for so long that I knew tons of people and was known for my real self by a decent number of those, and that wasn't bad at all. Now that I've moved away I'm on my own again, so community isn't something I feel a part of right now.

I want to be a more substantial part of the community at my new workplace, but I believe that will take just as many years to accomplish as it did in Nova Scotia, so I have quite a way to go.

I can't express how painful it is to be away from people who know me. I feel isolation, helplessness, anxiety and frustration. I don't yet share a language with anyone in New Brunswick and so a lot of my time is spent inside myself, which isn't a particularly bright and sunny place to be right now.

Self-pity isn't always with me, but it's there. I try to summon patience, too, knowing that my circumstances will change with time. So there's hope, but I stumble a little too often in these early days.

December 8 – Beautifully Different.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

Oh, for crying out loud. I hate these things.
I'm not a goddam snowflake and I'm not special and I'm not beautiful. It's all a lot of horse manure.

I'm getting by, like everybody else. Sometimes things go amazingly well and I'm on top of the world and I feel great and I know I'm loved and I feel secure, and other times things are really rough, but most of the time it's just mundane and routine and ordinary. I go to work, I make huge and embarrassing mistakes, I worry I'll be fired, I think about quitting, I think about giving up and that's what lots of people do every day.

This isn't a dark time at all. It's just not the best time and there's nothing remarkable about that in the least. I'm not remarkable, either, but that's not a bad thing.

I'm not the best person to talk to right now, is all.

Ha!

time is never the hurdle

2010-12-06T19:48:00.001-04:00

December 6 – Make.
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

During my year of unemployment in 2003 I spent at least eight hours a day doing cross stitch. It was one of the most peaceful and productive years of my life.

Once I got back to working, cross stitch became something I had to push myself to make time for.

The last thing I made was a cross stitch Christmas tree ornament. I gave it to my friend Andy last year.

I stitched him a snowman on perforated paper and used a foam backing with fabric-covered wire for hanging. I rushed the job a little at the end but it still came out OK.

This year I wanted to make something special for my co-workers but I still haven't started it. I have some time off coming so maybe it'll still happen, but knowing me....

It's enough that I'm making time for these blog entries. I'll be pleased with that for now.

catching up

2010-12-05T11:50:00.000-04:00

I've just committed myself to Reverb10.

That means, among other things, I'm going to write every day.

I have some catching up to do; each day of December has its own topic and I've come a little late to the party.

Here goes:

December 1 - One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

My choice for 2010 is not an adjective. No, I'm going for an adverb (and some emphasis): "finally!"

I can explain.

For my whole life, all I've wanted is to know where I belong and get myself there. I couldn't sort it out at university in my early twenties because my mind was too clouded by depression. In my late twenties I diverted from my own path by one dictated to me by fundamentalist Christianity. In my thirties, my mind began to clear and I found journalism. I was good at it and thought I would become a star; a single bad decision led to depression and cost me everything I had.

I got lucky in my forties. I found a job that should have been a short stop along the way except for a single friend I made early on. He got me started on a path to professional clarity. I had to endure a lot of confusion and crap but I got the experience I needed to get me somewhere better.

A year or more ago, I knew I wanted to be part of social media. And, just before my 46th birthday, I got there.

Finally.

I'd like to end 2011 with the word "comfortable". I'll explain it if and when I get there.

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I get distracted. It's that simple.

I start a task with a goal in mind and then I find some article online and I start to read it and then I decide to read another and then I check my email and then I check the news, maybe, and then I decide to watch TV or play a game on my iPhone, and then I decide it's late and I'd better go to bed.

There are so many things I want to give my attention to. To accomplish today's writing task, however, I came to the laptop determined to start and not stop until I finished the whole exercise.

I don't need to eliminate anything to write; I need to add that same focus and determination. I have to accept that other interests have been made secondary now that I have this commitment.

December 3 – Moment.
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

I'm not sure I've had a moment like that this year

I had a moment of perfect joy a few weeks ago when I did my first run after several months away. The music from my iPhone was invigorating, my body felt so grateful to be moving again and I was so blissful I reached a place of high peace. But I've had moments of aliveness and that wasn't one of them, though it was close.

December 4 – Wonder.
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Haha - I didn't realize it was a goal! The question implies it's something I should have striven for, something I should have been conscious of.

Maybe that's not how wonder works. Wonder is a quality that sneaks up and surprises us; it's not something we can watch for. How can we prepare to have life delight and amaze us?

December 5 – Let Go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Wow.

Well, most recently I've let go of the South African hottie. He's away for a year to work and I believe we both accept that the separation could have a terrible impact on our relationship in the long term.

I was happy to let go of my life in Nova Scotia, especially the job. That company and that centre were killing me slowly but surely, chipping away at my connection to the outside world. I'm living as an adult now, with other adults, and though I'm timid about being in these new surroundings, I'm more grateful than I can ever express.

This was the year for big changes and I couldn't be happier about that. Those changes will force me to rediscover myself and to put myself in the world again.

beautiful dougie

2010-09-27T20:11:00.001-03:00

I don't have to buy cat food.

I don't have to buy litter. Hell, I don't have to change litter.

I don't have vet bills anymore.

I don't have to stop watching TV to find out why she's meowing.

I don't have to worry about going away and finding someone to look after her.

I hope I never stop dreaming of her.

mildly epic fail

2010-09-13T19:24:00.001-03:00

Guess what day it is?

I can't hear you thinking it, so I'll just tell you it's Monday. Maybe you already knew that.

It's also the day I decided I would hit the treadmill again.

Yeah, that's not going so well.

Honestly, I'm so tired after my first day back to work. I'm often tired after work, actually.

Today I returned to a class that started while I was on vacation. I'm training a product I haven't trained since February, so I'm a little anxious. If I had more energy I'd try preparing for tomorrow's class but it's taking everything I've got just to keep myself from going to bed for the night. And it's barely past 7 p.m.

I haven't run my last kilometer, I'm sure of it. But it doesn't look like I'll be putting on the Nikes tonight.

Maybe tomorrow....

the missing months

2010-09-07T21:39:00.000-03:00

No doubt about it, I've missed a lot of targets the last three months.

I haven't been running.

I haven't been blogging.

My finances have been at the mercy of my emotions and irresponsible (shopping) behavior.

Not to mention the theft of my purse from work ... where all employees are issued passcards to enter the building, which means it was a co-worker - maybe even one of my own trainees! - who took it.

No money inside, but I lost all my keys, ID and rewards cards. Oh, and I'd never used the purse before, so that was a hit all on its own.

Two weeks later it was my iPhone I was crying over. I drowned it in Coke and killed it dead. It took a couple of weeks but I eventually learned of Apple's gorgeous out-of-warranty program and within a week of finding the information on the discussion forums I had a new device in my hands.

I've never been more impressed with a company in my life, especially as the replacement cost me $40 less than my provider charged for the original!

But back to my biggest problem: not running.

I haven't stopped wanting to, I just haven't done it. Yes, the insane heat and humidity were valid reasons not to run ... outside. But I could have used the treadmill, which sits conveniently next to our air conditioner.

This week I'm on vacation, helping the South African hottie get set up in his new apartment (and applying/interviewing for jobs, truth be told), but when I go home on Sunday it'll be to an empty house.

I'll have no excuses, then.

Can I get my ass in motion again?

back at it

2010-06-14T20:05:00.002-03:00

I've had two runs since my last post.

The first, on Saturday, did not go that well. I hadn't run even a dozen paces when I could feel a distinct weakness and wobbliness in my hamstrings. I knew I wouldn't run the 5km I'd planned for, but I certainly got a good 3.5km in before I had to start walking.

In fact, from the speed/elevation graph (click on the 'details' link to see what I mean), it looks like I very nearly made it 4km before my pace dropped to 5km/hour the first time.

Tonight's run, however, went much better. I ran the entire 5km and it felt great.

It took about 36.5 minutes to run that distance so one goal is to get that below 35 minutes. Overall, however, I'm pleased because I know I could have run longer.

Another difference between the two runs? Saturday's was in sweltering, noon-time heat and sunshine, today's was in drizzle. It turns out I prefer drizzle.

No matter what the weather from now on, I just hope I can keep up the good habits. There's certainly more satisfaction in it, if nothing else.

closing a door

2010-06-09T22:05:00.000-03:00

I resigned today.

The past six or so weeks have been really trying and I only started to feel better when I realized it might be time to pull the plug. I've been applying for jobs every time I find something suitable online and last weekend I spoke to a friend at Future Shop about potentially getting on there.

I'm not going to air any dirty laundry here, but I will say I learned some things today in a conversation with our site director that confirmed I'd made the right decision. I don't envy her for the summer she's likely to have.

I haven't run in over a week. I haven't even been eating properly - not enough food, by far, though it's been of good quality - so exercise has been out of the question. I've been tired yet sleeping poorly.

I have a feeling that will all change now that the end of this era is within sight.

Some serious change is on its way.

saving my sanity, one run at a time

2010-05-31T21:52:00.000-03:00

I'm still running.

If you follow me on Twitter or you've friended me on Facebook you already know that, of course. You've seen the RunKeeper and LoseIt! updates.

What you can't know is that I'm in another discouraged phase.

According to my scale I haven't lost any weight in two weeks. For a week or so, running wasn't working out well. Even eating has been a challenge.

What's really got me down, however, is my current job and the fact I feel stuck in it. I've been applying to one new position a week but haven't heard a thing. I know that if I persist the right one will come along, but it's hard on the soul to have my hopes dashed over and over.

Finding the motivation to run in the evenings when my days are spent on work that is more depressing than satisfying is tough. I'm always rewarded when I push myself to get out the door in the evening, but that push requires significant faith some days.

I want a new job. I want to be passionate again about my work, I want to feel valued, I want to feel alive. Running does those things, but I can't make money running.

On the other hand, I believe that if it weren't for running, I'd be seriously miserable. Running reminds me there is more to me and to my life than my job.

Running moves me forward even when I'm not doing it.

Blessings, disguised

2010-05-26T20:38:00.001-03:00

How cheated do you feel with the ending of "Lost" ?

That was all the email said. It was from my brother and I received it Tuesday, two days after the finale but less than 12 hours after I'd finished watching it from my TiVo.

I wasn't surprised by his question.

My mind had wandered for just a moment during that last scene between Christian and Jack: "A lot of people are going to be pissed about this", I thought.

I remembered the early speculation that the LOSTies were all dead from the crash and the Island was some sort of Hell/Heaven/Purgatory. Such theories represented the backlash against the popularity of the show; they were a way to dismiss how passionate people were becoming about the mysteries and the characters.

Now, before me, Jack was coming to understand that he had, in fact, died. Instead of feeling cheated, however, I felt moved.

The LOST finale is one of the two most powerful pieces of pop culture I've experienced.

(The other is Truly, Madly, Deeply. Give it a go if you like tear-jerkers. And dead people.)

The finale, especially the last 20 minutes or so, as everyone comes to realize and accept their condition, resonated with me more than I ever could have anticipated. It took me back to the night I sat holding my mother's hand, at her bedside, coaxing her gently into whatever light or darkness awaited her now that her body had been irreparably damaged by cancer.

She was ready to leave and I wanted her to know I understood. I whispered to her that it was okay, she could go now, we would be alright.

Watching Christian explain to Jack that it was alright for him, too, to move on, I felt intimately connected to the message. It was profoundly true and I was astounded that someone else knew it.

Here's what else I know:

Jack died on the Island. At the moment of his death he found himself in Sideways world, believing he'd had a past that he'd never had. He had died but he wasn't ready to leave, not by himself. He needed his tribe, and they needed him. That was Christian's message.

(I loved, by the way, how the writers drew attention to Christian's full name, just before it took on its real meaning for the character - very clever!)

The scene shared by Ben and Hurley, so lovely I found myself crying again the next day as I tried to describe it, emphasized that we won't move on until we are ready. Ben wasn't prepared to leave with the others, deciding instead to 'sit for a while'. This is true with life just as it may be with death.

Season 6 gave us two stories: the end of Jack's life and the end of Jack's dying. We didn't realize we were witnessing Jack's dying until it was nearly too late to appreciate and I believe that may have trapped some viewers, giving them an opportunity to confuse themselves about what they'd witnessed.

Neither story implies that the events on that very unusual, nearly-magical Island didn't happen. They did happen, and they led to Jack's death. But the Island experience wasn't the only journey the LOST team gave us: they also gifted us with some wonderful possibilities for our own destinies.

So no, I don't feel cheated.

I feel blessed.

live and learn

2010-05-23T20:40:00.000-03:00

It's not a coincidence that this week has been a significant learning experience and another of the most discouraging periods in my running life.

Only once since I planned it have I completed the 33-minute run that is my most recent goal. Today I set out to run the entire thing, refusing to walk except during warm-up and cool-down.

As of today, I've attempted that run four times. Except for that one success, I've had to walk a little each time when I'm supposed to be running. This afternoon, I ran about three kilometres of it and walked the remaining two-plus.

I felt slightly nauseated as I walked, but running made me feel very weak in the legs, like there was no strength to draw from.

Most of all, I felt hungry.

In fact, for the first time I since I started this journey of fitness and weight loss, I've been hungry quite a lot this week. When I started to consider the reasons why, I couldn't see anything different. I've been eating carefully, using Lose It! to ensure my carbohydrate/protein/fat proportions were reasonable.

I have to admit, however, I've been putting more emphasis on protein lately, particularly after reading somewhere that I should be getting around 100g/day.

Not only that, but every weekend I've splurged a little. I've had Chinese food or sushi or a chicken curry dish at a local restaurant. Nothing too extravagant, but maybe it's been enough to fuel the week. Last weekend I only had a piece of chocolate cake during my brother's birthday party; not exactly enough to inspire these legs to action, I'm thinking. I didn't even share in the steaks and hamburgers; I cooked myself a chicken kabob and vegetables, instead.

So this week I've been non-stop hungry but I couldn't figure out why. I've consumed the same number of calories but food isn't filling me up. Then, last night, I ate a Lean Cuisine Meat Lasagna.

Instant satisfaction.

It was instantly clear, too: I haven't eaten pasta or rice or potatoes - nice, starchy carbs - in ages! In fact, I'd been avoiding them, thinking I'd lose weight faster.

I got on the scale this morning, by the way. I've been so damn hungry, I knew I might see exactly what I did see: zero weight lost for the week. My metabolism has slowed down to compensate.

Dammit.

So I was pretty down on the whole thing this morning. It was worse after another disastrous 'run'.

Still, I know I'm doing my best. And tonight I've just eaten 3/4 cup of rice and a pasta/vegetable mix I like. I cooked up a ton of extra rice and plan to use it up this week. I'll do what I have to to get myself back on track. I want to be able to run 33 minutes three times consecutively before I move up to 36 minutes.

I don't know if this will do it. I may have to make more adjustments. I know I have a lot to learn about nutrition and exercise and I'll allow myself the time I need.

I'll try not to beat myself up for having put myself in this position of weakness. I'll try not to feel discouraged at my still-lumpy body.

I'll try to remember that it can't all be downhill.

miles, shmiles

2010-05-17T19:25:00.002-03:00

I think I ran five kilometres.

In fact, it may not have been the first time.

Saturday I officially finished the Couch to 5K program. I ran my last 30 minutes with guidance from Get Running, my favorite C25K app. It was a good run, though a little cold.

Sunday I decided to run again. I thought it would be good to get in the habit of running as close to every day as I could manage. There are people who do that, right? I'm sure I've read about people who run five miles or five kilometres every day....

I learned I wasn't anywhere near being able to run every day when I hit the 17-minute mark and had to start walking. My legs were so tired.

I tried running again after a minute or so, but it was a no-go. I walked for another two or three. Then I was able to get back to running. I finished the last kilometre or so that way.

Because I wasn't relying on Get Running anymore, I decided to try a new app. I've used Map My Run a few times online and had intended to get the paid app, but after I read some reviews at the iTunes store, I went with RunKeeper Free instead, and I had a fantastic experience with it.

In fact, I learned something significant: I was much closer to running 5k than I'd ever believed.

My route, according to Map My Run, was 1.44 miles long. I had clearly indicated that I'd gone in one direction for a length of time and then returned the same way, and that's the distance Map My Run gave me.

RunKeeper not only clarified that I'd done more than 1.44 miles, it showed me each kilometre there and back. Just check out the map above to see what I mean, then compare it with this one.

Holy crap! That's five kilometres on there! w00t!

Yes, I walked some of it, but damn, I'm close! I thought I had ages to go before I hit the 5k mark.

I'll be buying the 'pro' version of RunKeeper soon, but I'm pretty impressed with the free one. Even the RunKeeper Web site is worth a move from Map My Run; it doesn't have that horrid advertising all over it and it gives me clear maps, elevation representations, speed and pace information, and practical options to configure. Best of all, every user gets the same experience; a fee will get me more detailed reports about my fitness activities but I'm not nearly anal enough for that, yet.

By the way, the app isn't the only new technology I've added to my running experience: I dug out a heart rate monitor I'd purchased when I used to cycle regularly. It needed new batteries - and changing the one in the watch portion almost caused my head to explode - but it's given me a good idea of how much work I'm putting into the running. It's also given me a desire for a better monitor, one that can track calories - RunKeeper Free told me I'd burned 423 calories on Sunday, which sounded very familiar - but I've spent quite enough money on this activity in the last month. More gadgets and gear will have to wait.

Oh, and so will another run. But my legs will thank me for that.

one left

2010-05-11T21:24:00.000-03:00

Today, at work, as I was passing some glassy surface, I saw my reflection.

I did this. I have created these results because of the work I've done. This is my outcome.

Specifically, what I noticed was the area around my breastbone. It's starting to have contours; I can see the shape of the bone. The fat really is leaving my body.

Sure, there are some spots that are still heavily basted. My belly, lower back and butt are going to be flabby for at least another couple of months, maybe even until the fall. But even they must be changing, judging from the way most of my pants don't fit well anymore.

This has not come from some magic trick. I have not gotten lucky. I have worked hard and I've turned my back on gorgeous donuts, my beloved french fries and especially the extra-large triple triples from Tim Horton's (450 calories each, thank you very much).

I'm 45 years old and I'm finally giving myself the body I've wanted for the last 15-20 years. It would have been so much easier to do it when I only had 10 lbs. to manage, but 30 is proving do-able, too. In fact, I may find that I only have to do 20, as the muscle weight I've gained makes 150 lbs. look much better than I would have expected. I will be re-evaluating my goal when I hit 140 lbs.

I am changed. I have had enough of the drug-like pleasure-foods. They no longer entertain me.

I can attribute my new view of junk meals to Food, Inc and to The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite. Of course, I had to be open to the changes, but I've always been that. My whole life has been about doing the right thing, and when I don't do the right thing I obsess about doing it.

The physical changes are thanks to Couch to 5K. My success with Couch to 5K is very much due to the Get Running iPhone application and its developer, Benjohn Barnes. Benjohn has followed me on Twitter, commented on my blog entries and even listed my blog on the forum for Get Running. His encouragement has added real value to my experience; there is no other app that gets users such hands-on attention from its maker.

There are two friends who've had a regular and significant impact on my progress with C25K, and they're both named Jason. The younger of the two Jasons has been running for longer than I have and has encouraged me both by running races and by giving me the best mantra ever: "Just kick ass at all times."
The elder Jason (still younger than I am, of course), encouraged me by starting the C25K program after hearing me talk about it. He's just a few weeks behind me but it's such a big help to have someone to talk to about it.

I have one run left in the Couch to 5K program. I'm so grateful I've made it to this point.

Here's to kicking - and shaping - ass.

the homestretch

2010-05-09T21:47:00.000-03:00

I have two runs left before I graduate from the Couch to 5K program.

Yes, it's been that long since I began. I can barely believe it myself.

Tonight I ran 30 minutes for the first time. It was easy, but I wasn't expecting it to be. Much of my day had been one screwup after another, so when I got on the treadmill I kept it at 4 mph, just in case.

Speaking of the treadmill, that was one of the things that didn't go right. Here it is, almost mid-May, we've been having glorious temperatures and seem to be a full month ahead of the usual spring schedule in Nova Scotia, and today was a craptacular 8° Celsius (46°F) with gray skies and the occasional cold spit of rain.

I could have run while wearing some of my winter cycling gear but I think I would have been uncomfortable so I played it safe and stayed inside.

My last run of Week 8 was also inside, but that was because I needed a nap - as I often do on Thursdays - to restore some of the energy that had been sucked out of me during the week at work.

Have I mentioned that my work is incredibly draining? You'd think I was a babysitter for a vampire family instead of just a product trainer.

I made another purchase towards my jogging kit, by the way:

They are Sennheiser MX85 Sport II earbuds and I like them very much. I didn't have to adjust them a single time during tonight's workout, they were comfortable, provided excellent sound, and I got them for $45 at Future Shop on Friday.

Best of all, they're sweat-proof. My original iPhone earphones do not respond well to the waterfall of moisture that comes off my noggin during a run and I got tired of hearing tunes in just one ear.

I've been thinking a lot about how to follow up C25K and my plans are currently as follows:

I find it tough doing that first workout after two days off so I'm going to run at least every other day.
I will extend my run time by 10% every week. Next week, in other words, I'll run for 33 minutes. I may stop once I reach eight hours, however. Haha.
I'm going to install MapMyRun on my iPhone. I've been using it online and I'd love to have it track my progress.
At least once a week, on one of my 'off' days, I'm going to run the nasty hill just up the road from my home. Should be good for a laugh. And for a nice ass, if I play my cards right.
My ultimate goal, unless I move from where I currently living, is to run the 10 miles from my home, through the main portion of Kingston, and back home via Bridge Street. I have no idea how long it would take me to reach that level of fitness.

All of this is open to change, of course. I'm nothing if not inconsistent.

pwnasaurus rex, that's me!

2010-05-04T22:03:00.000-03:00

No more glue!

Tonight's run was significantly easier than Sunday's. No thoughts of quitting, though it was fascinating to monitor how the level of difficulty would increase and decrease in waves. There were even short periods I found quite enjoyable!

Funnily enough, however, I didn't get much further than I did on Sunday. I'd show you the new run but Google Maps Street View is being a turd.

I may not have made much progress with my distance, but my blister has at least doubled in size. Even so, it didn't hurt as much as I ran, in part because I'd covered it with a band-aid. I'd also purchased some special socks; I'd read they'd be effective preventing blisters. They were certainly an improvement; the blister got bigger because of the stupid band-aid.

The socks, by the way, were $10 for two pair at Cleve's. Apparently Nike doesn't make them anymore (the package is dated 2007), but I'm happy enough. Besides, they seemed to be all Cleve's had.

While at Cleve's I looked for a waist pack that would hold my iPhone and a water bottle. Sunday I'd run holding each one of them. It wasn't a problem, but I preferred to have my hands free.

The store had this, for $60:

It's called the Fuel Belt Helium 4-bottle holder, if you're interested.

I wasn't paying that much for something that was way more than I needed, so I walked through the mall, checking at Rogers and The Source for armbands that would at least hold my iPhone. I figured I'd get a water bottle belt in New Minas on the weekend.

The Source had one armband for $35.

Nope.

On to Zellers.

And that's where I found it:

Now, as the reviews at the above link explain, the water bottle does bounce around a lot. I managed to adjust it against my pelvic bone and found it wasn't too bad in that position, and I actually did get used to it. As for the iPhone pouch, it wasn't as well-fitted as I would have liked - the seams would make it tough to adjust the volume using the iPhone's buttons, for example - but I was able to swipe the screen even through the thick plastic window.

My only meaningful complaint about the belt is that I couldn't adjust it so that it stayed firmly in one place. I'll be playing with that a little tonight to see if I can improve it.

I paid $20 for it, however, so I will not complain. I will get as much use out of it as I can until I find something better.

Equipping myself is proving quite motivating, I must say. I've also been getting more compliments on my appearance lately, which is more encouraging than people realize.

It's exciting to be through that last phase of discouragement and I'm pleased to have made it this far through the Couch to 5K program. When I began C25K I couldn't imagine myself running 10 minutes, let alone 28.

I gave the program my faith, I got some fantastic help from the Get Running (Couch to 5K) app, and here I am. On my way to a whole new way of living and being.

Yay, me!

the 20-minute mile

2010-05-02T20:26:00.000-03:00

Today's run - Week 8, Day 1 - was the most significant one of all.

First of all, I ran outside for the first time.

I prepared for my adventure the same way I prepared to start Couch to 5K seven weeks ago: with a shopping trip.
At Cleve's in New Minas I got a great Saucony shirt for just $20. It's brighter and bluer than it appears in the image below, and I love it.

I also got some awesome shorts from Sportchek, also in New Minas.

I've never seen an online store include such a horrible image of a product, but there you are. What you can't see is that there are two bright squares of colour on the left side: one pink and one orange. Also, they look way better on me than they do in this image.

Hell, they looked way better than this when they were still on the hanger!

The manufacturer is Matrix, a brand I'd never heard of, but they were only $25.

With money spent, I was committed. I felt nervous about running outside - the issues I've had with moving my body in public (drunken hours on a dance floor don't count) could fill volumes - but I was determined. I felt good about the progress I've made and knew I could do it.

I was right about being able to do it; what I didn't expect was how tough it would be.

I was concerned about my pace so I used a Motion Traxx podcast to ensure I ran at about 4 mph. Even so, I'm not sure I reached that.

It turns out that running on pavement is noticeably different than running on a treadmill. I realized quickly that the treadmill had been helping me move forward and now that I was on the road, I didn't have the forward momentum I was used to. I was running but I felt like my legs were in a vat of glue.

Today's run was for 28 minutes. I've never been more eager for the lovely lady's voice on my Get Running app to tell me that I was half-finished.

The first 14 minutes were difficult. The last 14 took everything I had, or so it seemed. I wanted to walk, I wanted to quit running, but I didn't.

My friend Jason ran a 10-mile race in Philadelphia today. Thoughts of him and his accomplishment are the only reason I ran the entire 28 minutes.

I don't know if I can describe how hard it was to do what I did. My legs felt so heavy and sluggish. I developed a blister on my left foot and every step burned. I survived by getting myself from one driveway to the next. I felt like I'd never run a moment in my life before then.

Of course, I feel really, really proud. I'm determined to do it again.

I understand so much better why I haven't lost more weight. The treadmill has been deceptive. On the bright side, now that I'm outside, the strength I'll gain will be extraordinary by comparison.

Also, check out these numbers: 124, 265, 400. Any guesses as to what they are?

They are the three versions of calories I burned on my run. The first comes from Map My Run, I believe. The second is from the pedometer I wore during the run (which said I ran 2.65 miles). The final one is what the treadmill would have told me I'd burned.

I think that means I have to go with the first. Which means, in turn, that my entries in Lose It! to date have been wildly inaccurate.

Awesome.

I can't be too upset with the treadmill, mind you. It's always given me two calorie measurements: one for fat, one for something else. I see now I should have been going with the fat calories burned.

So I'll make the necessary adjustments.

Besides getting outside more, I have another new goal: to extend today's run further and further. Here's what it looked like, by the way:

05/02/2010 Route
Find more Runs in Greenwood, Nova Scotia

It ain't 10 miles by any means, but the mile is mine and I'm happy to say so.

metaphors and miracles

2010-04-29T21:51:00.001-03:00

Every day I get proof that I'm not the brightest tool in the shed.

I mean, I can't even do metaphors right.

As I got on the treadmill tonight I managed to convince myself that I really was going to listen to the Motion Traxx podcast I downloaded yesterday. I felt I'd be taking a chance with the unknown, but I knew I had to give it a try or I'd never know if it was going to help me work out.

I loaded the iPod app of my iPhone and went into the Podcast area. I scrolled down past Dispatches, Quirks & Quarks, The Savage Lovecast and Wiretap, and ... nothing.

Where the hell was it?!?

Oh, yeah.

When I synced my iPhone last night, I forgot to select the Motion Traxx podcast from the list.

Oops.

It all worked out, I'm happy to say. I had pruned my workout playlist before syncing and I'd taken out alot of the stuff I'd begun to find irritating. I'm pretty happy so far with what got left behind.

I'm also very happy with tonight's jog. I stayed at 4.2 mph for the entire 25 minutes and my legs didn't tire the way they'd been doing earlier in the week. I find it odd that my third run each week is always the best one - you'd think I'd be getting more fatigued as the week drags on, but no. I know I could have run longer than I did, but I'm really happy I didn't have to.

As it is, Week 8 will be taking me to 28 minutes. Gah!

The good news? I'm almost finished the program.

Wow.

even sweat is better than self-pity

2010-04-27T21:27:00.000-03:00

I'm sitting here, trying to appreciate that I've just run for 25 minutes solid. I should feel that I've accomplished something large, particularly after Sunday night's fiasco.

Instead, the only thing I feel excited about is no longer having a craving for the chocolate bunny that's been in the refrigerator since the day I ate his ears. Turns out running makes your belly feel full. I like that.

Actually, I do feel one other thing: there's sweat dripping from behind my ear, onto my shoulder. It's pretty intense, actually. Like rain.

Gross.

Anyhoo, the run is past yet I feel like I haven't done anything, despite the evidence that perspiration is providing. Goddamn, I'm weird.

You know, if navel-gazing burned calories, I'd have to be hospitalized for anorexia.

Enough.

Here's a positive note to conclude on:
Today one of our managers returned to work after at least three weeks away due to illness. She noticed right away I'd lost weight.

Now that's cool.

sunday, bloody sunday

2010-04-26T20:02:00.000-03:00

Here's what happened:

I intended to have a reasonably productive yet relaxing Sunday. The South African hottie has taught me how much time I've been wasting and I had decided to manage my Twitter and Buzz streams a little bit so that I don't lose so much time keeping current.

It was a disaster.

I made some new lists for Twitter but they only made the situation worse. Now I had 13 columns to create and after adding about seven or eight of them I realized TweetDeck was becoming impossible.

I switched to HootSuite, which is better suited to a large number of lists, but then I became overwhelmed by the very first of my columns when I attempted to catch up on it ... after a week or more of being away.

I jumped over to Buzz, to see if I could get myself in order over there. Bad idea: more chaos.

I decided I'd leave the PC for a while and go paint the baseboards in the spare room. I've been picking away at a refresh of that room since the fall and all I have left is the trim and the ceiling.

I got into the room and removed the painter's tape from my last session. As usual, a few tiny bits remained behind as I tore it away. Tweezers would be the best way of dealing with them but Dotty was in the shower and that meant I'd have to wait almost an hour (she's pretty damn slow in there).

I noticed the baseboards and ceiling needed a wash before I painted. But I couldn't do that while Dotty was in the shower. Bah!

It was definitely one of those days. By the time I got to my run, I felt empty. I didn't want to do it, I couldn't even remember why I'd committed to the program in the first place, and all I wanted to do was eat and eat and eat and eat. Not because I was hungry, just because I wanted the comfort only potato chips and chocolate can bring.

I got onto the treadmill. Even the warm-up walk felt challenging.

I started running. I had decided to try listening to a podcast instead of my music, as the tunes didn't seem to make the time go by very fast.

Quirks & Quarks is normally fascinating. The episode I happened to choose, however, talked about a dinosaur fossil and about the impact of dust on climate. The topics were even less interesting than I just made them sound.

I made it 20 minutes into the run. I had five minutes left. And the thought of it really did seem impossible. I just didn't have it. I went into the cool-down, instead. I gave up.

I wanted to cry. I felt disappointed, sad and lost. It was scary and confusing.

I wanted to quit everything. I wanted to quit my job and stay home and eat and read and do cross stitch. I started to panic at the thought of the energy I'd require just to go into work on Monday.

And then I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. At least now I had something to call on the next time I felt like finishing a run early: quitting felt pretty damn horrible.

I considered doing the run again tonight but then decided to just let it go. I'll chalk it up to experience and just do the next one as scheduled.

And this weekend, I'm buying some goddam running shorts and hitting the damn pavement. If the tunes and the podcasts aren't enough of a distraction, maybe the ditches and the neighborhood dogs will be.

give up? ain't happenin'.

2010-04-22T22:12:00.000-03:00

I've never sweated so much.

I've tried to work this hard, but without a goal (or a program to force a goal on me), it's been too easy to work only hard enough to hurt a little. Now, however, I have a better sense of what it's like to work so hard there is no pain.

The thing is, I haven't really wanted to do the last two runs this week. Tuesday night I was feeling discouraged, as though my efforts haven't been paying off.

(I know, I know; my last post was all about how good it feels that my body is changing. Turns out that was the calm before the emotional storm.)

I ran on Tuesday despite feeling it was futile. Of course I was happy that I did, but I'm still working on my patience.

Tonight I got home and I just knew I was too tired. I'm always tired when I get home from work but I can usually eat dinner and recover pretty quickly. This time, I was so tired I didn't even want to eat.

I made myself heat up some shepherd's pie from M&M and I played a little on the Internet as I waited for the food to take effect.

It didn't happen.

As I lay my head on my pillow at 6:30 I realized I would probably wake up in a couple of hours. I vowed that if I did I'd run. At 8:33 I got out of bed and prepared to stretch.

Twenty-five minutes is a long time to run. It's hard to believe that six weeks ago I had difficulty running for 90 seconds. I burned a record number (for me) of calories tonight: 370.

My friend THG tells me that he gets through his runs by imagining that if he stops someone will hurt one of his family members. I tried that but it didn't really work for me. Instead, I'll stick to my daydreams of sexy clothing and dance floors and an actual ass. I'd love to have an actual ass; my maternal genetics have denied me one of those 'til now.

I'm happy to be running rather than living the sedentary, fast food-filled life I was caught up in before. That doesn't mean I won't lack motivation now and then. Luckily, life experience has taught me how important it is to force myself forward.

By the way, I've sort of figured out what was happening with my left knee. I thought something was rubbing against my fibula but I played around and realized it's actually my fibula doing the rubbing.

As my knee moves the fibula rises and falls; I think it occasionally hits an artery or vein or something else just under the skin. It still causes zero pain and it doesn't even happen every time my knee moves.

I researched the sensation until I knew more about knee tendons and ligaments and bursa than I ever wanted and still found nothing, so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I figure it'll stop as suddenly as it began.

Of course, if you have any ideas, feel free to pass them along. Just remember: the sensation isn't in my knee and there is absolutely, unequivocally, no pain.

Oh, and I'm weirdly built. Remember: I'm a girl without an ass.

humpty dumpty in reverse

2010-04-18T19:46:00.000-03:00

My body is changing.

The weight isn't necessarily melting off, but one of the changes I've noticed recently is pretty major. I don't know if it's due to my new food choices or to the running, but it's something I had no idea how to manage before now.

At least eight years ago I began to notice that at some point each day, the area marked by the end of my ribcage would swell and become hard, and would last through the rest of the day.

The swelling would extend pretty much down to my belly and nothing I did seemed to change it. I couldn't even tell if it was water retention or something more.

I tried massaging myself to both calm the swelling and try to detect if there was anything inside me that felt odd, but I never found anything other than tight muscle and tissue. Still, the swelling made me look 'matronly'.

One day, while working with a yoga instructor, she noticed it. What was amazing at the time was that she, too, experienced it. I'd never known someone who taught yoga who had anything other than a well-toned body, but here she was with the same tough belly that extended out from under the bottom of our bras (near the diaphragm?).

The thing is, in the mornings the swelling isn't usually there, so I know it's a consequence of something I'm doing through the day. The yoga instructor and I had talked about it being stress-related (another reason I tried the massage), as though we were holding in all the emotions and anxieties of the day.

Well, for at least the last week, maybe two, the swelling is completely gone. It doesn't show up at all. The first day I noticed it, I couldn't believe it would last.

I showed the South African hottie on Friday and even he was happy for me (it takes a lot to impress that guy, believe me). I can even pull in my belly muscles enough that I can envision myself in a bikini, someday soon.

For the last week I've been aware of how good my belly feels under my clothing, how comparatively flat it is and how it doesn't feel heavy with pressure. It's an unexpected bonus from the changes I've made.

I've been hoping that the issues with my back would resolve as quickly but no luck. There's so much going on with my spine I'm not really surprised, though. And I can't deny that overall, I'm in much better shape even in that regard.

One of my legs is half an inch longer than the other, I've got flat feet/fallen arches, the area over my sacrum is constantly - and very noticeably - puffy, and I'm susceptible to tension headaches as a consequence of all the imbalances and their impact on my neck muscles.

I sound like a freak, wha? Lordy.

Anyway, I find that the exercise helps to loosen things up and take away a lot of stiffness and discomfort, but it's not 100% and I wish it were. Maybe in the long term....

Finally, one of the wackier things I've been experiencing is this: for the last two days, when I step with my left foot it feels as though something is sliding up and down on the outer side of my knee. I've looked at a bunch of articles and images at Wikipedia and my guess is the area affected is near the top of my fibula. The sliding feels like an elastic band, so I'm guessing there's a tendon or ligament involved, but I can't figure it out exactly.

I didn't notice it that much during my run tonight, but it's quite remarkable when I go up or down stairs. There is zero pain, so I'm not concerned, but I am curious. I did take a bad step during one of my recent runs (Tuesday? Thursday?) and felt something sharp and unpleasant in what I would call my inner ankle, but that pain was completely gone the next morning. I just wonder if they're related.

All in all, I'm falling apart ... but less so than I was before I started Couch to 5K.

I can't ask for more than that.

i'm gonna work harder

2010-04-15T21:19:00.001-03:00

I sent a text message to the South African hottie from my iPhone a few minutes ago. It read,

"I just ran for 20 minutes solid, bitches!"

I might be feeling a little cocky.

And yet the run was so easy I'm a little disappointed in myself. I set the treadmill for 4 mph, not wanting a repeat of the near-crisis I had last week. I definitely could have gone higher, so I'll put it at 4.2 mph on Sunday, when I start Week 6.

Actually, maybe I'll try 4.5 mph again. I've peeked at the first run and it's something like two fives and an eight, so it's worth a try. Besides, I'm feeling cocky.

In related news, my calories are too low for today. I have almost 700 left in my budget. I've baked some pitas to a crispy state and plan to hit the hummus while I watch Survivor.

Oh, and speaking of which, guess what showed up during the last three-and-a-half minutes of my run, when I was finally starting to think about finishing? You've got it.

Beyonce's got damn good timing.

on battlestar galactica they said "frak"

2010-04-14T19:32:00.000-03:00

I just finished eating the ears from my Easter bunny.

Yeah, it's a couple of weeks after the fact but I've been resisting it because of my new healthy regimen. Lose It! told me I had a little buffer tonight so I went for it.

The ears weighed about 25g, which isn't much, believe me. It might fit in two measuring tablespoons, I guess. Even so, those two or three bites had seven grams of fat and more than 14 grams of sugar.

And guess what?

It didn't even taste as good as I thought it would. It totally wasn't worth it.

I guess I'm over sugar.

Yay!

I weighed myself this morning: I'm now down 1.6 pounds. I entered it into Lose It! and the app promptly revised my daily calorie allotment ... downwards! But only by about 11 calories, so I'll barely notice, especially since I find myself consuming on average about 300 fewer calories than I'm allowed each day.

It's not deliberate, this lack of topping out. In fact, as I look back to my first week with the app I see that I took in even the teensiest bit too much energy (11 calories). The week after that was 463 calories below my allotment and it's been downhill ever since, mostly as I consume foods that are more nutritional and filling. 'Cause I'm just not hungry. And when I am, I eat.

As for Couch to 5K, last night I got the most delightful surprise!

(Hint: anytime I use the word "delightful", I'm being sarcastic.)

My session went from three five-minute runs (Sunday) to two eight-minute runs!

Honestly, the first thing that popped into my mind when I opened Get Running and saw the agenda was

What

The

Fuck?

But I did it. I really did.

The first eight minutes were at 4.2 mph and the second were at 4, just in case. I had to push hard during the second run with just three minutes left, but I made it. I pushed and I made it.

And then I came upstairs, got on my computer and looked up the next session.

Oh, goodie!

(Hint: ... oh, never mind. You know by now.)

That's right: on Thursday I get to run for 20 solid, undoubtedly mostly-excruciating minutes!!!

Yep, another WTF moment.

Honestly, I think most of my shock comes at the notion that I can actually do it. And I know I can; the program may have blown my mind (and legs) (and lungs) in Week 4 but overall I've been able to do what it tasks me to.

And that's pretty damn WTF.

so many numbers

2010-04-11T23:30:00.000-03:00

I have officially lost one pound.

I weighed myself this morning and all I could think was "it's about time". I do hope this bodes well for the next few weeks. I need the pay-off.

Tonight I started Week 5 of Couch to 5K and that means three runs of five minutes each. I did it at 4.2 mph, making it tough enough that I had to push myself through the last three minutes of the last run but not so tough that I had to lean on the treadmill just to get through.

Five minutes was definitely much easier to get through this week than last. That kind of improvement has been my general experience all along and it relieves my mind of some anxiety regarding my diet. I've worried that I'm not getting enough protein (I've averaged 70g/day this week, for example) or that I'm not eating enough (to lose a pound a week I'm supposed to consume 1506 calories per day, but I'm 1,743 calories under budget since Monday), but I'm definitely gaining endurance and strength, so I'll relax a little on those things.

The data I've mentioned, by the way, comes courtesy of Lose It!, a great little iPhone app that's really helped me see my food more clearly. Once I got used to some of the nutritional values and adjusted my intake of certain foods, I found that I was even able to afford a treat every few days.

I'm not going crazy with that, mind you. I'm just having the occasional small piece of cake (Happy 71st Birthday, Dotty!) or a medium dub-dub from Tim's.

The other app I rely on for this program is Get Running (Couch to 5K). It remains my favorite overall but I've begun to notice a few minor glitches. I know the developer occasionally reads my entries so I'll take advantage of that to mention them.

The voice-over for Get Running made a slight boo-boo during the intro to each Week 4 session: instead of explaining there would be two runs of three minutes each, she said they'd be two-and-a-half minutes long. That pleased me as I'd been dreading the thought of three-minute runs coupled with five-minute runs, and I can assure you the pleasure was mashed into a bloody pulp with each step I took during the last 30 seconds of those runs.

Next, I've been under the impression that the pause/stop/forward/reverse tools at the bottom of the main screen are for managing whatever tunes I've got playing during the session. They didn't work on Sunday, however, when I decided to skip a song from my playlist; instead, I had to open the iPod controls to do it.

Like I said, neither issue is a big one. I can live with them, in fact. I just know the developer wants a perfect product and I'd like to help with that if I can.

I'm also finding - and this isn't the app's fault - is that I need more visual stimulation to distract me while I run. I'm obsessing over the time each running period takes and I'm sure that makes them feel longer than they are. I'd love to watch something on my iPhone and still get the audio cues from the app, but it's probably better if I just bring a magazine to the treadmill from now on.

Hell, I've got two-plus years of unread Vanity Fair magazines sitting in our spare room. If I weren't such a doofus I'd have realized before now I could kill two birds with one stone.

Oh, well. I'm slow, but I get there eventually.

math makes it worse

2010-04-09T22:21:00.001-03:00

Nobody knows better than I do how big a doofus I am.

I've been whining about how fast I should be going during the running portions of the Couch to 5k program and all I had to do was turn to tha mathz.

The ninth week is nothing but run. Each session lasts 30 minutes. To run 5k in 30 minutes I have to run 10 kph.

How simple was that?

*sigh*

I dig out my trusty AppBox Lite app to do the conversion, and that's when I learn I should be running at 6.2 mph.

Oh, fuck.

Seriously, how else can I respond to that?

Considering I had to support myself on the treadmill during the five-minute portions of two of this week's runs - when I was running 4.5 mph - this was not good news. In fact, after Monday and Wednesday I realized I should slow my pace to 4 mph to successfully complete the last Week 4 session (it worked, by the way).

The upside is having two goals instead of one. They are: 1. to get to the point where I can run for 30 minutes non-stop; and 2. to get strong enough to run for 30 minutes at 6.2 mph.

Breaking the goal into two parts means I can take the pressure off this time around. It also provides an explanation for the lack of dramatic weight loss. Besides the exercise I've been counting calories for the last two weeks using Lose It!, another iPhone app, and I should be losing one pound a week. That hasn't started to show yet, partly because my sodium intake has been a tad high and I'm undoubtedly retaining water. Now that I understand I'm not exactly running at race-pace I feel a little less frustrated about the (missing) results.

It's difficult to believe I've finished four weeks of the program, however. I feel proud that I've made it this far and I'm excited the time has flown by so fast.

cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

2010-04-05T21:22:00.001-03:00

I cheated.

But only with my arms. My legs still did what they were supposed to.

Week 4 of Couch to 5k is evil. It's exponentially tougher than Week 3, which I've already complained about. In fact, now that I think about it, I've seen every new week as profoundly more difficult than the previous one, haven't I?

That's pretty lame.

Still, here's the deal for the fourth week: I ran for three minutes (easier than last week, but not by much), walked for one-and-a-half, ran for five minutes, walked for two-and-a-half, ran for three, walked for one-and-a-half, then ran a final five.

You've got to admit: 16 minutes is quite a bit different from nine, which is all I did last week.

But I cheated this time.

For the last two minutes of the first five-minute run I held on to the treadmill. For the second five-minute run I held on for the last two-and-a-half.

I don't think I would have made it otherwise. It could be that I psyched myself out, it could be the four light beers I drank yesterday (Easter with family - need I say more?) took too much out of me, it could be that 16 minutes is quite a bit different from nine.

I'll find out on Wednesday, when I do it again.

a triple play

2010-04-02T13:05:00.000-03:00

Well, the last run for this week is done. I had to wait to do it this morning because I didn't eat last night's dinner in time to work out before Dad and Dotty started watching their evening movie, but with today being a holiday it wasn't difficult to fit into my day.

All that's left is to do some laundry and figure out if the South African hottie and I are going to take an overnight trip later.

I spent last night consuming television programs: Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, 24.... And then, just as I was about to sleep, a friend IM'd me to let me know he'd been thinking of me lately.

Yes, he's in his 20s.

Yes, he meant it in 'that' way.

Yes, he'd been drinking.

*sigh*

Still, this one's different. He's a great guy, really kind and generous. He's easy to talk to and when I first met him I actually did consider him as a potential object-of-affection. He plays poker for a living and he's articulate, intelligent and thoughtful.

But dammit, he's in his 20s. And I can't help but think that his parents are essentially my peers.

Besides, I'm not interested in mixing it up with anyone but the South African hottie. Oh, and Nestor Carbonell. Or even Hiroyuki Sanada.

(And I adore Michael Emerson, of course, but he's too good for me.)

I'm an equal opportunity slut, but only if they're over 40 and have worked on LOST.

Seems like monogamy is in my future after all.

just wait until i'm sexy!

2010-03-30T21:48:00.000-03:00

If you've read my blog before - and I doubt you have, since barely anyone does - you know that I have an open approach to relationships.

Still, I am not above using the South African hottie as a protective shield - or, if I'm being *completely* honest, an excuse - when someone I am not interested in makes a move in my direction.

True, considering my views on monogamy it's not very honest of me to respond that way, but damn, it sure is efficient.

And so, for the second time in about a week, I essentially lied as a way of telling a guy that I wasn't interested.

Here's a summary of the latest convo (via Facebook, the Craigslist for rural Nova Scotians):

Him: Do u like young guys lol

Me: Some of them. (Because when it comes down to it I can't tell a bald-faced lie.)

Him: [I'm] lookin for a lil fun lol

(What is it about 20-somethings and their distaste for punctuation and clarity?)

Me: My boyfriend is 40, so I guess that's young enough. (See what I did there? I used the South African hottie and hinted at my age in the hope it would pour cold water on his efforts. Damn, I'm good at this.)

Him: Oh, you have a boyfriend? (Actually, it was much less articulate than that.)

Pause.

Him: Would u want 2?

So much for the shield. Time for the weapons of mass destruction.

Me: No, thank you. (I actually wrote it that way. To emphasize how wrong I am for this guy.)

Me: I'm old enough to be your mom. Too creepy.

Me: And I never wanted to be a cougar. (I really didn't.)

Me: Haha (To ease his pain.)

So, when Couch to 5k finally gives me an ass, will I have to beat them off with a stick?

Speaking of C25k, tonight's workout went really well. The three-minute jogs were significantly easier to get through. I still can't imagine running five kilometers, mind you. I'm a little terrified at how the program is gonna get me there, but so far it's been doable.

I'll just have to have a little faith, I suppose. Here's to faith!

(Unless it's in the pants of a Facebook creep.)

i have to run for HOW long?

2010-03-28T21:07:00.000-03:00

I can't help but laugh at a recent post of my own, the one where I complained about how long 30 seconds can feel when you're running and you want it to end.

Tonight, as part of the continuing saga that is my progress with Couch to 5k, I ran for three solid minutes. Twice.

Talk about "ouch". I still can't really believe I did it, but I did. I totally didn't bail or slow my pace or vomit. I ran three whole minutes. And then I did it again.

(I also walked for five minutes and for three minutes and for 90 seconds and then for five minutes again. I even ran for a now-relatively light 90 seconds somewhere in the middle of all that. That's C25k, childrens.)

I also fired up a new app. This time I tried Get Running.

Before I get into my impressions, I'd like to point out that before I even started the program, when I was investigating apps and trying to settle on just one that would give me all the best features, only the developer of Get Running replied to my tweeted inquiries on the subject. As a consequence, I approached my experience with a different set of expectations, though I can't fully articulate those at the moment. Suffice to say, I hoped I'd like it.

Not knowing what I was in for, I started the app setup process while cooking dinner. I didn't want to be stuck fumbling with my iPhone on the treadmill.

There are three decisions to make when configuring the app: 1. Whether or not to display the back light during the run; 2. What to do if a run is interrupted; and 3. What kind of audio cues to receive. Only the latter appears on the other apps I tried, if I recall correctly.

I made my selections - including rejecting the 'coaching and encouragement' cues - and moved on to setting up Status Updates (via Twitter). Get Running let me write my own update and promised to post it as soon as my run was complete. I've just checked my stream and sure enough, the update I wrote is there ... with a little piece tacked on at the end committing me to run again on Tuesday. Presumptuous, but I like it. Thumbs up on that feature.

I'm glad I didn't go with the coaching cues; the woman's voice is lovely and not intrusive to the senses at all, but there was more talking than with the other apps because she insisted on encouraging me a little anyway. Again, I liked it, and not just because of the English accent. She gave me gentle advance warning about the upcoming three-minute run, she gave me permission to slow my pace during that portion (I didn't), and then she congratulated me each time I made it through. She even pointed out how I'd tripled my run time in just two weeks. I felt like a hero. Even better: I felt like someone else knew I was a hero. Seriously, that's awesome.

Most important of all, Get Running let me skip the two weeks of runs I'd already done. It was just a matter of selecting the run I wanted to do and clicking the Run! button. Now, on the Home Screen, the app has inserted dates (with polite question marks, mind you) for all the other sessions in the nine-week program. It even jumps Fridays and Saturdays like I do!

I think the damn thing's psychic.

The only thing I've found so far that it doesn't do as well as the other two apps is handle my workout playlist internally. I have to start the playlist on the iPod app and then go back to Get Running for the workout. Not a huge deal, but there you go. At least I can choose to shuffle the music, something I couldn't seem to do with Couch to 5k. That app played the tunes in the exact order I'd added them to the playlist, which made the experience a little predictable.

I won't deny it. So far, this one is my favorite. I even like the way the interface illustrates the session and each run/walk period. That surprises me because when I was researching the apps I had found the screenshots of the interface dull and uninspiring. Now that I've seen them in action I feel they're plenty heartening. Watching seconds count down is one thing - even less fun than watching paint dry, to be clear - but watching a little arrow get closer and closer to the end of one of those scary aqua-coloured bars (those are the running bars) is definitely encouraging.

I'm a little sleepy now - most people are energized by workouts, I hear, but that's never been me - and that's a relief because it's soon bed time. I hate getting up in the morning and the only way I manage is by going to bed really early most nights.

Besides, Dad came home from his visit with Dotty with a box of Timbits. It's much easier to resist them if I'm not conscious.

better late than never

2010-03-27T11:47:00.001-03:00

Thursday started a little early.

My alarm is set for 7 a.m. on weekdays, giving me a full hour to get ready for work. That morning, however, I woke up to noise from my Dad's room at 6:30. It didn't take me long to figure out that Dad was on the phone, something that's definitely unusual for that time of the day. It was also out-of-character to hear him actually talking so much.

I could hear my step-mother, too, but it didn't sound right.

I heard someone go downstairs and return quite quickly, something else that doesn't happen with them. They're in their 70s and slow movements are the name of the game.

I got out of bed, opened my door and asked what was up.

Dotty couldn't breathe. Dad had called for an ambulance.

I asked if there was anything I could do; Dad wanted me to go wait by the door for the ambulance, which I did.

Dotty was taking very shallow breaths and was understandably anxious and slightly panicky.

I could hear the sirens, apparently from miles away. It was a few minutes until the paramedics arrived. Their names were Christine and John.

Christine asked all the medical history questions. Had this come on suddenly or gradually? (Suddenly) Had she been coughing? (Dotty always coughs - she's an ex-smoker with COPD.) Was anything coming up when she coughed? (Yes, and you don't want to know.)

John and Christine got Dotty on oxygen and got her out of the house and into the very brisk morning air. The ambulance stayed in the driveway for another five minutes or so before leaving.

Dad got ready to follow. He left within another 15 minutes. I told him I'd stay behind in case he needed me to do anything. Besides, going to work and trying to train a class not knowing what was happening was out of the question. I would have been much too distracted. I called my manager and explained.

And then I sat at the computer and killed time, my cellphone beside me. It was a complicated period of time: Dotty and I don't really get along, though we are mostly friendly with one another. Most people know I don't really like her. Whenever this kind of crisis takes place, however, I become very anxious.

This is the third time since 2006 that I haven't known if she would survive her body's weakness. She's both the toughest person I know and the most frail. Her own purse is too heavy for her most of the time, yet she's survived several heart attacks (2009), her heart and breathing have stopped more than once (also 2009), her heart has functioned abnormally for a prolonged period of time (2006), and she even had a bad bout with pneumonia last year.

Dad came home just over an hour later, which worried me. Why wasn't he waiting at the hospital?

Seeing his face, though, I knew Dotty was okay.

The hospital suspected pneumonia again, he explained. They would be running some tests and doing x-rays all morning so he came home for a nap.

Fair enough.

I messaged my manager: I'd be in before lunch was over. I was going to snooze, too. I felt very sleepy, despite being up for just a few hours.

I made it to work and I made it through my final workout for the week, too. It went very well, actually.

Pneumonia has been confirmed and Dotty has stabilized quite a lot, Dad says. I haven't visited her, yet, though I'll get there today. She'll likely be home early next week, according to her doctor.

And I'm looking forward to a weekend with no Couch to 5k and no 'wicked' step-mother.

Oh. I even have beer.

not dead yet

2010-03-23T22:20:00.000-03:00

What a crappy day.

Just as I'm arriving at my workplace this morning I realize I've forgotten most of my lunch on the counter at home. I almost went back for it but quickly realized the drive is 20 minutes long one-way and I only had 30 minutes until class started. Thoughts of my frozen peas and corn sitting forlorn and melting pissed me right off.

The first 90 minutes of class were discouraging. My normally enthusiastic group was quiet and I got no emotional feedback from them at all. I was drained by 10:30.

After lunch - sans vegetables - my class wrote their second of four tests. Despite having received all the questions in advance, four of the 13 scored below the acceptable pass mark. One of them even resigned over it.

We had a bake sale today and I ate a brownie and some sort of chocolate-based square. They were both absolutely fabulous but I felt pretty guilty about having given in to the sugar. As punishment, when I got home from work I took a two-hour nap.

Alright, so that last part wasn't all that painful. Still, it was the best thing I could have done because it definitely made tonight's workout possible.

I learned something important that will likely make my chiropractor happy if I ever get back to see her: when I run, it's absolutely impossible to move my neck forward like I do when I'm sitting. That's why after some workouts I feel like my neck is 'off'; jogging forces me into good posture, exercising my neck muscles as a result.

The running itself was much less painful tonight than it was on Sunday and the 30 minutes went by very quickly. To ease the strain of those last 30 seconds I made myself concentrate on the beat of the music playing on my iPhone; it had a markedly positive impact. It's hard for me to believe I have just one session left this week.
Of course, it helped that I stayed at 4.5mph for every run this time.

Tomorrow is hump day. More importantly, tonight is LOST night. The episode is focused on Richard Alpert, former slave. Future slave, too, if wishes could come true. But that's just me being dirty.

Proof that running hasn't killed me, yet.

i live, therefore i run

2010-03-21T19:39:00.000-03:00

It's not always a good idea to look into a mirror after a workout.

I bought a full-length mirror yesterday and hung it on my door. I wanted a better picture of myself before I head to work but just now, after I got out of the shower, I looked at myself.

Why am I not skinny? The running took everything out of me; how can there be so much pudgy left? It just doesn't seem right.

Today is Week 2, Day 1 and that meant 90 seconds of running and two minutes of walking, six times each. I started with stretching as usual and I added in some back exercises. I felt awesome when I began the first run and so I kicked it up to five miles per hour. The last 15 seconds or so were rough but after two minutes of walking I did it again. And I learned I'm better off sticking with 4.5mph for a little longer.

The last 30 seconds - hell, the last five seconds - of each run were deadly. Luckily, Survivor was playing during the sixth and final jog and I drove myself to the finish line with "I'm not gonna give up" and "I'm gonna work harder", among others.

My neck feels a little out of alignment but other than that I feel great. I can only get through these things one at a time and I've got to remember that in May, when I'm running 5k, I'll be fit.

I used the Couch to 5k app again and was pleased overall. It didn't resume my playlist the way C25k did but I can live with that, especially as Couch to 5k does let me skip songs from within the app itself.

I've added some protein to my diet. With the up-and-down fatigue I've been experiencing for the last four to five weeks, I'm not taking any chances. At the grocery store today I concentrated on vegetables (for fibre) and tuna and nuts (for protein). At work I know I'm not eating enough so I need food that's quick and easy to consume. I've also resumed taking a multi-vitamin.

I have plans to call the doctor this week. It's been two weeks since I had bloodwork done and I can't figure out how he hasn't called me to confirm mononucleosis or something. It's time I see him and tell him how unbelievably tired I've been.

Maybe I shouldn't run at a time like this but the quality of my sleep lately has been lacking, contributing, of course, to the overall problem. Exercising will counter that. Besides, I figure if I can get through the run it must be OK.

one down, eight to go

2010-03-18T20:31:00.000-03:00

Tonight's session was a clumsy one.

Despite my usual pre-game stretching - which actually felt smoother than usual - I was pretty stiff during the first few runs.
Now, post-workout, even my arms feel a bit jerky, like the blood is still kicking through my veins and arteries as my heart still slows from the running.

Not even my app had the best conclusion to the week.

I had intended to use C25k one last time before moving on, but when I opened it I saw that it wanted to give me the Week 1 Day 1 workout all over again. Despite seeing the first two days clearly marked as having been completed, and despite knowing that the Day 3 workout is identical to the first, I just couldn't be bothered giving it another chance.

I loaded Couch to 5k instead, and I'm glad I did.

Couch to 5k took seconds to figure out. Even leap-frogging over the first two sessions was a breeze. The app let me slide a pointer to Day 3 and that was it. Next I clicked a Music tab, loaded my Workout playlist, moved on to one of those little informational 'i' circles, picked my settings (Female for the voice, everything else as it was), kicked the treadmill into gear and off I went.

If you've already used Couch to 5k, you can probably figure out what came next. If not, take my advice: choose the quiet voice and, if you don't want to pee your pants, turn off the User Interface Sound Effects.Otherwise, you're going to have a heart attack when the goddam siren thingy goes off to alert you to start running. If I'd been on a roadway I probably would have thrown myself into a ditch to avoid being hit by the imaginary emergency vehicle on my ass.

Seriously. That noise is suitable only for air raids and tsunamis. I never want to hear it again.

Other than that, Couch to 5k is perfect. The layout is awesome, giving tons of information about the workout. It even shows the time left in the walk/run periods down to the tenth of a second. And like C25k, it works with the Nike+ system, if you have one.

I'm glad that's the last session until Sunday. My body needs rest and probably a little more food than I've been giving it. Tomorrow is payday and I think I'll get some nutritional supplements to make sure I get everything I need to become stronger.

After all, I plan to run 5k on May 9th.

i did it again!

2010-03-16T20:21:00.000-03:00

I felt a little anxious heading into tonight's workout, having worked a full day and come home tired, as usual. My job - I'm a product trainer at a call centre - is a cross between public speaking and lecturing. It's very much a performance and it's exhausting. So tonight I approached my pre-treadmill stretching by relying on faith: faith that if I at least got started the movement would adrenalize me and carry me forward.

And it did.

I feel a little sleepy somewhere inside, but I also feel happy and proud.

Clearly, the Couch to 5k program is an appropriate one for me. And that's because it doesn't last too long in these early stages. Even with the warm-up and cool-down periods (five minutes each) the workout is only 31 minutes long. There are nine running stages, each one minute long, and eight walking stages, each 90 seconds long.
This week I'm using the C25k app on my iPhone to time my workouts and play my music. It doesn't tell me how fast to walk or run so I'm doing 3mph and 4.5mph respectively.

The best part of C25k so far is the playlist it lets me create from the music stored on my device. It's easy to add and remove tunes and today I found I didn't even have to start the music: it just picked up where I left off Sunday evening.
What didn't work, at least it didn't tonight, was the built-in Twitter feature. Sunday I didn't bother using it, but tonight I decided to give it a go. I entered my credentials and the app created a tweet for my approval. Unfortunately, the tweet said I had just completed my very first session. And when I went to the app home screen I noticed that for some reason the app hadn't marked Week 1 Day 2 complete like it had done for Sunday's workout. On the upside, the app does let you mark a session complete by double-tapping the relevant radio button, so that's now taken care of.

Other positives from tonight: my hip isn't achy like it was two days ago and my spine doesn't feel 'off'. I continue to have minor issues with the treadmill I'm using (it doesn't change speeds very well - I have to hold down the up or down button for just the right length of time to get to where I want without overshooting, and the movement is a little behind my instructions). It's a bit awkward, and I sure wish I had access to a fancier and programmable machine, but it's workable and certainly better than embarrassing myself out in public.

I'll do my last workout for the week on Thursday and then I'll test another app against Week 2. I hope to see you then!

one down, 26 to go

2010-03-14T22:02:00.000-03:00

I am still breathing a little heavy after my first Couch to 5k workout.

It felt fantastic to exercise - it's been a long time since I've pushed it that hard - and it was mostly uncomplicated as a result of the equipment I was using.

Let's start with the shoes. I bought some Nike+-capable shoes yesterday for $99 at Cleve's in New Minas. They were the only pair I looked at because I told the salesman, Kyle, what I needed (running shoes for someone who pronates inward quite severely) and that I was interested in the Nike+ system (not knowing my 2008 iPhone wouldn't be compatible, but oh, well).

Kyle presented me with some Nike Air Alaris+ shoes and some Superfeet insoles for the pronation. He also sold me the Nike+ sensor but I had to return that to the Greenwood store today. I'll get it again when I upgrade my phone.

I also have three iPhone apps to get me through the Couch to 5k interval training program. Tonight I used C25K and I enjoyed it very much.

C25K lets you create a music playlist from within the app itself, so I did that even before I started on the treadmill. Next I set up the app so that it would give me all the available alerts during the workout, though it turned out I was only going to get two during this first attempt. The app let me know when I was half-way through the workout and when I was about to start the last running period.

The voice that gives those alerts was a little disconcerting, but only because it sounds so damned familiar. At one point the guy reminded me a little of LOST's creepy Ethan but that didn't last. Maybe I'll place the voice before this journey is over.

The app was incredibly easy to use and made the exercise session a breeze, at least mentally.

Over the next nine weeks I'm going to blog my experiences with the Couch to 5k program, the three apps I'll be trying and the impact of the workouts on my body. I'm going to rest tomorrow, as instructed by the program, and I'm a little grateful for that because my right hip is a little uncomfortable and it feels like my spine is a bit 'out of joint'.

Still, I'm excited, I feel good and I'm ready to go to bed!

sexuality: wondrous, mysterious ... ridiculous

2010-03-06T03:42:00.000-04:00

Every now and then my mind returns me to the moment I still claim as my most embarrassing. The journey happened again recently and so I recreate it, here, for you.

"The moment" happened in winter, just after my 19th birthday.

It was just past Christmas. It may even have been Boxing Day. I was going to visit my boyfriend at the time, and I was wearing a new dress I'd received as a gift.

I was also wearing my first real stockings, the kind that require a garter belt.

I'd ordered the garter belt from the Sears Wish Book, so I hadn't had a chance to try it on before I wore it. I also didn't have much experience ordering from catalogues - I had lived a fairly shopping-sheltered life to that point - so I'd kind of made an educated guess about sizing. When I put the garter on I found it a little snug around my waist, but I figured I could tough out the slight discomfort for an hour or so (since I wasn't planning to wear it for long).

So off I went, a twisted yet naive version of Little Red Riding Hood, imagining myself quite sexy and sophisticated.

I honestly don't recall what happened when I got to my boyfriend's complex. He lived in a PMQ - Private Married Quarters - a kind of subdivision for military folks. The parking lot nearest his 'apartment' was mostly full, there was quite a lot of snow and someone was having difficulty getting parked but I can't remember whether the problem was mine or someone else's.

All I know is that at one point I was standing outside my vehicle and I was talking with a man and his very young son. One of us was trying to help the other.

As I stood, chatting gracefully with this man and his child, I felt the garter clasp snap gently apart. And very, very slowly, I felt the garter make its way past my hips and my knees.

Finally, the garter was at my feet. Between my cheap, black, high-heeled shoes, in fact. I saw it there, red lace, in the snow, and I knew it looked as though my panties had fallen off.

All I could do - to maintain the illusion of dignity, I suppose - was keep talking, pretending that nothing had happened.

The man, a gentleman, pretended with me. The child, miraculously, also maintained his silence, though his curiosity must have been intense.

To this day I have never felt more humbled. My sense of power and sexuality were vapor and I was small and flawed, a silly girl too clumsy to be a femme fatale.

Today, I can't deny that "the moment" was an embarrassing one, but it is not a source of shame. Instead, it reminds me that the most important sex toy in my collection is my generous sense of humour.

Without that, I'd never get naked again.

crisis comes when comfort does not

2010-02-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

I was three years old the first time someone touched me 'inappropriately'. Recently I learned that another child I know, also three, has had a similar experience.

When I received the news my instincts took me into helper-mode. I reassured the child's parents that everything would be fine, that they shouldn't panic. The first thing to do was a no-brainer: get the child away from the predator, make the child safe, no matter what the cost.

Once I'd been assured of the child's security I was able to relax and start thinking of the next steps. More than forty years after my own parents responded as best they could, I believe I have some valuable information about what it's like inside the head of an insecure child.

The abuse itself isn't the danger, at least not if violence isn't also a factor. Once a child has survived those confusing, earth-shaking moments, her needs turn to finding out what support she has. Is she on her own to pick herself up? Is it up to her to process what's happened and rebuild the breached wall?

How well do you expect a three-year-old could manage? What skills has she learned by that age? Not many, I can confirm. She has barely a grasp on the concept of boundaries; for that reason, there's no way she can successfully restore them on her own.

Still, it's simple. Looking back, I just needed to hear that what happened was wrong, that I didn't deserve to feel so awkward, that I was allowed to say "no" and that the boy would be punished.

I got none of that. The popular psychology of the day was to avoid discussion, move on and let the event pass out of existence.

Oops.

Within twenty years the confusion I felt had completely clouded my thought processes. I had no boundaries, I was afraid to say "no" and I struggled with depression, promiscuity and cravings for alcohol.

Thanks to time and some incredible therapists, I've made it beyond the years of crisis. I take an anti-depressant to keep the chemicals balanced in my brain, but I've held the same job for four years and I have a boyfriend I adore. Even just a decade ago that kind of stability seemed impossible for me.

And so, I wanted very much to speak with the child, to set her down a different path than my own. When her parents refused me I experienced a brief tailspin of feelings, worrying that their child would suffer as I had. I came to understand their fears, however, and because I trust them to keep their child safe in every respect I will keep a respectful distance, having reminded them that I'm willing to support them whenever they need me.

And when my little friend becomes a young adult I'll be there for her, too. I expect she'll do what I did when it comes time to process what happened from an adult perspective: she'll ask those who were in her life at the time what they know.

And if there are any fragments that need piecing together, I know just how to do it.

a wolf in sheep's clothing

2010-02-23T01:54:00.006-04:00

It came to me in a flash as I listened to an old episode of the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's weekly podcast on all things sexual.

A young woman had e-mailed Dan, in the midst of the John Edwards/John Ensign/Mark Sanford debacles, to say that she was enjoying the podcast less because of Dan's apparent lack of support for monogamy.

If you've ever read Dan's column, you know he's got a talent for mockery. And when he spoke on the phone to the aforementioned and beleaguered young woman, he couldn't help but tease her by citing the Hebrew Scriptures and their many examples of men with '700 wives' as proof that monogamy is 'un-Biblical'.

"But if you want to fly in the face of God and have a monogamous heterosexual relationship," he told her, "I certainly support your choice."

It was when the young woman suggested Dan should extend his support to monogamists by offering them a 'pat on the back' for their efforts that it finally clicked for me, however.

Monogamy is not a virtue.

Treating it as one is a huge mistake, not only on an individual level, but on a cultural one as well.

Monogamy becomes a weapon, used to control sexuality. Think about the last time you heard a woman described as a "slut".

Monogamy becomes a political tool. Think Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, John Ensign.

Monogamy becomes a standard for heroics. Think Tiger Woods, before and after.

None of it is good for us. It keeps us from taking an honest look at ourselves, our nature, our needs. It keeps us from developing true sexual compatibility with our partners.

Making monogamy into a virtue keeps us from examining our own sexual health.

But when we see monogamy as a choice we find out if it's the right one for us. And whether it is or it isn't, we appreciate the importance of discussing it with our partners. Because now we want to know where our partners stand and whether we really are a good fit.

Tiger Woods should not be monogamous. I hope that becomes as clear to him as it is to me.

And I hope that he and his family learn to respect his sexuality, no matter what the world comes to believe.

Let him return to being a hero for his prowess on the course, and leave his sexual prowess where it belongs and where we prefer ours: with him and his partners, behind closed doors.

dear john

2010-02-13T18:21:00.002-04:00

When you were arrested and charged with an illegal act, I supported you with all my heart. Your crime wasn't victimless, as evidenced by the pain you suffered wondering how it would all turn out, but you didn't deserve the anxiety or all the other losses you experienced during that time.

I told you I would do anything to help you and I meant it.

Now that the consequences of your choices and the charges are known and your concerns have been alleviated, it is appropriate to celebrate. I don't begrudge you that.

But if you get caught violating your probation I will be furious with you.

You are a grown-up. You've been given a second chance. Do not fuck it up.

granny's china

2009-12-27T18:50:00.068-04:00

My grandparents purchased this china - Devonshire, by Enoch Wedgwood (Tunstall) - for their wedding, which would have taken place around 1940, give or take five years.

I inherited the china when my Granny died in 1980 or so, though I didn't take possession for many years.

I tried researching the pattern when I first received it, even sending emails and pictures to Wedgwood, but I didn't find out what it was called until I found this:

http://www.replacements.com/webquote/WW_DEVO.htm

I can't tell you how many hours of Internet/eBay searches I did to get that much. Early in 2000 a Montreal company had quite a lot of it for sale on eBay - for amazing prices, I now realize - but I was a broke college student at the time and had to put aside any thought of buying any of their stock. In their eBay posting the company described the pattern only as "Art Deco", so I guess they didn't know what it was called, either.

I want to catalogue what I own as a way of creating another reference to the pattern online. I'm hoping I'll hear from other owners, too: I invite you to contact me with your own stories of Devonshire.

Eight dinner plates: six in excellent to good condition (slight imperfections at most, primarily due to gentle use); two have significant chips and some cracking under the surface, as though they had been dropped.

Eight salad plates: five are in excellent to good condition and three are in fair to poor condition (major imperfections like chips and cracking).

Seven soup bowls: five are in excellent to good condition; two are in fair to poor condition.

Eight bread and butter plates: six are in excellent to good condition; two are in fair to poor condition.

Six teacups: four are in excellent to good condition, two are in fair to poor condition.

Eight saucers, all in excellent to good condition.

The creamer is in excellent to good condition. *The sugar bowl with lid is missing, however.

Six dessert bowls are in excellent to good condition. They are almost 5" in diameter.

The underplate for the gravy bowl is in excellent to good condition. *The gravy bowl is missing.

The round vegetable bowl is 8 5/8" and is in excellent to good condition.

The round covered vegetable bowl is beautiful but is in fair to poor condition.

The large (14") oval serving platter is in excellent to good condition.

The smaller (10 7/8") oval serving platter is in excellent to good condition.

*One sad aspect of this story is that I used to have the gravy boat, the sugar bowl and lid, and one or two other pieces. I had them in a small, light box that someone else assumed was empty and threw away.

7 Mistakes Bosses Make When Giving Criticism - On Careers (usnews.com)

2009-12-26T22:58:00.004-04:00

7 Mistakes Bosses Make When Giving Criticism - On Careers (usnews.com)

Posted using ShareThis

phoenix

2009-10-07T08:46:00.003-03:00

http://www.humanedurham.com/phoenix%20updates.htm

Phoenix arrived in bad shape but left us loved by people across Canada. Google him; he's worth it.

dreams and nightmares

2009-08-14T01:09:00.003-03:00

This morning I woke up angry.

I spent almost an hour playing games on my iPhone before actually getting up, and that gave me time to sort out what was wrong.

I thought about work. Yes, there are some serious challenges right now, but the immediate present is easy enough. Training BlackBerry tech support is significantly easier than I thought it would be.

I thought about my social life, what little there is of it. Nothing painful or stressful there.

And then I remembered it. The dream I'd had before waking up.

For the past several months I've dreamed of characters and events from LOST. I'm not the only one; I've talked to other friends who've experienced the same disturbances in their sleep. I believe we've begun grieving, as we all know there is just one season left with these 'people' and this 'place'. It's remarkable, to say the least, to be this affected by a television show, I can tell you.

Last night's dream had Jack kissing me. The only bad thing about that is that I woke up from it; in fact, I admitted, waking up is likely what pissed me off.

On the other hand, my mood could have been a premonition. For, once I got out of bed, I quickly noticed that my beloved pet of 12 years, Dougie Cat, was not herself. She was quite obviously not hungry and even her eyes looked pained and tired.

I called the vet and got an appointment immediately. Within 90 minutes the blood tests were providing the news: she is severely dehydrated and is experiencing kidney failure. I requested an x-ray and we saw two differently-sized kidneys with a suspicious mass near the enlarged one. It made the decision obvious.

I brought Dougie home and we've spent the night hanging out on my bed. I watched the first two Harry Potter DVDs while she slept and I've given her water when she seemed restless. I've sent an email to my closest friends and family and I've taken naproxen for the headache I got from crying.

The appointment is near the end of the workday tomorrow. I will watch her all night tonight and I will love her forever.

coming attractions

2009-08-03T00:16:00.002-03:00

Damn.

It's been three weeks since my last entry. I thought it had only been two.

It's not that I've had nothing to write about: I experienced the most challenging trainee EVER in my last class at work; I seriously lusted after yet another trainee in that class (it's funny how it always takes the first three weeks for me to even notice those particular guys); poker went really well and then it went a little badly (I still have a bankroll, so that's something).

I even read a really great article over at SoulPancake that I should take to heart. If I did, I'd surely resolve much of the list I posted last time I was here.

I started another blog over at Wordpress. I decided I wanted to review iPhone apps and the biggest benefit of that is that I'm forced to write regularly to make it relevant. I'm not sure anyone's even been there to read any of the entries, but I'm going to give it a real chance to develop.

I spend so much time reading in front of the computer, though, that I usually feel like I'm not using my time wisely. Producing my own material is one way to counter that.

When I'm not writing it's because there's something I'm reluctant to talk about or afraid to face or both.

And so, in the coming days, I resolve to document in more detail some of the events I've hinted at here.

Please keep an eye out!

overdoing it, one day at a time

2009-07-19T19:18:00.002-03:00

Sunday is an ideal day to reflect, prioritize and plan, don't you think?

In that vein, today's entry reflects my resolution to list* all the unfulfilled ideas that have been going around in my head for the past few years.

1. Cross stitch.

I started a project three or four years ago, and I have hundreds of patterns waiting in drawers. I've thought about selling my stash but I just can't; it's still important to me and I just need god to make each day 90 hours long so that I can start getting through it.

2. Vanity Fair.

Yeah, the pile of unread mags is at least two years high. Considering it takes me a week to read each one, I should be done in six months ... if I don't do anything else on this list.

3. Books.

I have at least half a dozen poker books dying to teach me better strategy. And then there are the novels....

4. Movies.

I'm not even sure I want to go here. Besides the few files on my hard drive I believe I've got a pile of burned flicks, too. A big pile.

5. LOST.

During Season 5 I resolved I'd spend this summer watching my DVDs from the beginning so that I'd be fully prepared for the final season. There's still time, if I could just get started.

6. Blogroll.

I subscribe to 32 blogs and I have about 350 entries to read. That's not even that bad, now that I think about it. Hmmpf.

7. Twitter.

When I added the 40th Tweep to my list of Follows I remember thinking I couldn't possibly manage any more. Now I'm following over 200 mostly-awesome men and women and I give myself a headache every time I try to catch up on what I've missed.

8. Job hunt.

It's one thing -- and an easy one, I admit -- to check three or four Canadian job sites every day; it's quite another to explore all the careers I'm considering pursuing. Forensics, Web development, product design, Web design; those are just a few of my interests right now. I've been compiling information to teach myself CSS, WordPress, Thesis, etc. Since I barely know what they are, I have quite a hill to climb.

9. Cycling.

It used to be the foundation of my life. Now the mere thought of pumping tires, getting dressed and riding reminds me of a chore I keep putting off until tomorrow.

10. Podcasts.

iTunes is home to almost 400 unheard, unwatched episodes of The Guild, Best Ads on TV, Savage LoveCast, AnteUp, PokerRoad, and more.

11. Poker.

Besides the books and 'casts on this subject, I also have an extensive digital collection of instructional materials idling on my PC.

It's a really good thing I have no life.

*Note that I am resolved to "list" them, not necessarily do anything about them.

2009-07-07T01:49:00.004-03:00

So that high I've written about?

Until last night, part of me still didn't accept the ramifications. Part of me was holding on to the notion that it wasn't really physiological or biochemical, that I could somehow make it stop on my own if I just tried.

How reasonable would it be for an alcoholic to believe she could quit drinking if only she'd stop imagining that being drunk felt so good*?

Exactly.

In The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, Dr. Kessler writes of "the body's reward system". The reward system motivates us to pursue things that are pleasurable but that also ensure our survival and the survival of the species, sex and food being two biggies.

Even the anticipation of reward is enough to encourage us to pursue the reward, he says.

Powerful biological forces are at play that make us want something enough to pursue it and then make us feel momentarily better once we obtain it.

So when my body needs food, the reward system kicks in to make my mind anticipate the satisfaction - the pleasure - I'll get from eating, in turn motivating me to pursue that food.

The pleasure we get from eating - even the anticipation of that pleasure - are hard-wired within us. Biology driving will.

Makes sense. But how does that explain my cravings for McDonald's french fries with extra salt? That's not exactly nourishing. Surely my body doesn't want me filling it with that?

Here's the kicker:

It is possible to activate the brain's reward centers by artificially stimulating them....

Can you guess where this is going?

Stay tuned.

*In the short term, I mean. In the long run, drinking too much/too feels at least as guilt-inducing, at least as dangerous, at least as out-of-control as over-eating.

food: it's what i'm thinking about

2009-07-05T00:19:00.003-03:00

At my workplace I'm famous for a number of things, most of them not particularly flattering. One of those things is my adoration of fast food.

There isn't much fast food to choose from near the call centre -- McDonald's, Wendy's, Subway, Tim Horton's (does that even qualify?) and KFC form something of a temptation strip along the provincial highway -- but it doesn't really matter since I tend to have a rotating obsession with specific menu items from either McDonald's or Wendy's.

There have been several periods in my life when fast food was not welcome in my belly -- there was that glorious 18 months of vegan-hood, for example, in the late 90s -- but every time I cracked open the door of whatever regimen I happened to be following the french fries and burgers and breaded chicken wraps always found their way back in.

Once inside, they became magical again. A day might start badly but if I had some Mickey Dees fries to look forward to for lunch, life always got better.

When routine starts bringing me down, I invite the fun back into life with a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.

And when I feel sad or stressed or angry, a Quarter Pounder® with Cheese Extra Value Meal is fantastic comfort.

Literally, it turns out.

I learned of The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite by Dr. David Kessler the other day and I ordered it immediately from my local independent. I've only read one chapter and yet I already understand what's happening so much better.

I've never been able to figure out why I think of food so often. I've never understood why it's had such an emotional impact on me and why I can't ever really keep away.

After just one chapter, however, I know that I'm not the only one. Millions of people experience the same cravings that I do.

It turns out that the food we're so drawn to is stimulating pleasure chemicals in our brains. We're getting high from it.

I'm not that much different from an alcoholic, it seems. I turn to my drug for all the same reasons.

And the food industry knows it. They're targeting me and the millions of others like me. They're even preparing the food in specific ways that will keep me addicted, keep me coming back.

It's making so much sense now. I didn't understand before now why I would be so drawn to something that isn't even really food. I can eat it, it's true, but it isn't nourishing me and certainly isn't good for me.

So these are some of the things I know now. What's left to be discovered is the most important: can I break the chain? Can I stop needing the joy my brain experiences when I consume the salt and cheese and fat?

This, of course, is what I'm really looking for.

for @smegatron

2009-07-03T15:50:00.004-03:00

She's the boldest and bravest woman I know; she will say it, she will do it.

She's determined, focused and hard-working.

She's talented and she's so funny she's made me pee my pants in public ... twice.

She builds me up and helps me to believe in myself; I've never known that before.

She deserves the kind of man who believes in true love ... even if she'd prefer a stalker.

scribe

2009-07-02T21:59:00.003-03:00

Writing used to be my whole life.

For the three years I was paid to report for newspapers I wrote virtually every day. But it wasn't as glamorous as it sounds; trying to create news to fill a hole on page four (or wherever it was - I never knew) rapidly became as unfulfilling as cleaning a toilet: it was my job, I had to do it, but no one ever noticed when I did.

(They sure noticed if I didn't do it, though; I was definitely in the shithouse then.)

I now resist writing for all the reasons I resist shopping at Frenchy's: as a consequence of once being obligated to do it, now I choose not to. Even if it's good for me.

The thing is, it is good for me. My voice is occasionally interesting, sometimes funny and now and then what I have to say is remarkable.

If I let my voice out I let me out.

I need out.

stranded

2009-06-30T01:05:00.003-03:00

I dreamed of Ben, Jack and John last night.

Yes, that Ben, Jack and John.

What is the hold that show has on me? It's freaky, to say the least.

Jack was kind of crazy - not the drunk, pill-popping crazy we've seen on the show - really kinda hysterical nutty.

John was trying to lead us back to the island so we could see it blow up or something.

And I got to make out with Ben. Which, of course, was the best part.

he's just not that into me

2009-06-26T19:37:00.003-03:00

Don't get me wrong; I know he 'cares'. And even though I emphasize his feelings with half-hearted quotation marks, it's not my intention to imply that they're sub-standard or inadequate.

It's just that I've given him a lot -- because I know he needs it and deserves it -- and it would be awesome to be on a two-way street.

You know what I'd like from him? I'd like him to show an interest in who I am. But that's not his way; he's passive, more an observer than a participant.

He's the kind of guy that will appreciate me three years after I'm gone from his life. That's how long it'll take him to notice we haven't connected. He cares, but he's easily distracted.

And forward I go.

am i entitled to get what i want?

2009-05-31T01:00:00.002-03:00

The premise is here.

It was just a few weeks ago that T pointed out that I don't know what I want.

It wasn't the first time someone stated it, just the most recent.

I remember during a chakra massage about 15 years ago that Cheendana told me there was almost no energy at all from ajna, the third eye, which is responsible for 'the ideas, visions and dreams that eventually become physical reality'.

I remember thinking at the time that a sleeping ajna was both the explanation for and the consequence of my time as a Witness.

I would like to explore wanting.

My questions are:

1. What do I want?
2. What will be the 'get'? What are the feelings I seek?
3. Why do I resist committing to want?
4. What do I risk by committing?
5. Will wanting make the getting less important?
6. If I want something bad enough and I do the work to get it, will it be alright if I don't?

it was the bet, not the ace

2009-05-17T23:00:00.002-03:00

I figure he's not going to bet here if he doesn't have it. No stats; decided to play without 'em.

Full Tilt Poker .COM Face the Ace - Round 1 No Limit Hold'em Tournament - t25/t50 Blinds - 9 players - View hand 126152
The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter

BigsexyLou (CO): t4460 M = 59.47
11dgaf11 (BTN): t6510 M = 86.80
hitmanoxo (SB): t1195 M = 15.93
pepe87pen (BB): t1990 M = 26.53
Ruggs11 (UTG): t2110 M = 28.13
mnt2bewitched (UTG+1): t4070 M = 54.27
lex859 (UTG+2): t1785 M = 23.80
Hero (MP1): t1375 M = 18.33
mcgilton89 (MP2): t3200 M = 42.67

Pre Flop: (t75) Hero is MP1 with 7 7
1 fold, mnt2bewitched raises to t100, 1 fold, Hero calls t100, 4 folds, pepe87pen calls t50

Flop: (t325) 9 2 5 (3 players)
pepe87pen checks, mnt2bewitched bets t250, Hero raises to t500, pepe87pen folds, mnt2bewitched calls t250

Turn: (t1325) A (2 players)
mnt2bewitched bets t250, Hero folds

Final Pot: t1325
mnt2bewitched wins t1325

money

2009-04-28T21:36:00.002-03:00

Tommy Angelo has suggested I hide cash all over the house.

Well, he didn't actually suggest it to me. More like he suggested it to anyone who could read - he put it in Elements of Poker.

And he didn't literally say to hide it all over the house. Which I couldn't do anyway because the step-ma has taken all the good spots.

But he did suggest that I/we would play better if I/we knew I/we weren't going to run out of money.

Makes sense to me.

(It'll probably make sense to you, too, if you use your finger to cover the "I"s or the "we"s.)

So my plan, when I finally reload, is to have 10 buyins for .10/.25 NLHE on FTP and 10 buyins in a new savings account I'll start over at ingdirect.ca.

Furthermore, I won't jump levels until I have 10 buyins for the new level on the site and in the account.

Lop. Lop. Lop.

new plan: do nothing

2009-04-26T17:22:00.008-03:00

I've surrendered ... but just for the moment. I sent the last of my BR - not even a small fortune - to swd805 as a stake in some future event.
In fact, that event just got decided today: I now have a 3% stake in today's $750k gtd. If he FTs it, I'm guaranteed at least $300. Gogogogogogo!

swd805 and I haven't had the most productive of partnerships to now; here's hoping that the third time's the charm!

I had hoped that by giving away my BR I'd be able to keep the software closed. No such luck; I've been freerolling like a nutball.

It's not gotten me anywhere.

I've returned to Tommy Angelo's Elements of Poker; lopping off that C-game, one element at a time.

I haven't gotten very far with the book, mind you. Every time I open it I start from the beginning again. That's not a bad thing: I keep discovering little points I thought I'd remember the first time but didn't.

Like this one:

When you are winning, and you reach a point in the session when the happiness you will gain by winning more money will be much less than the pain you will endure if you lose, quit. Away from the table you can examine how and why this imbalance occurs. Meanwhile, learn to trust the quitting voice, and to react without question.

I should be giving me permission to quit when I want, not Tommy Angelo. But I second-guess myself so much and I punish myself so much and I ignore my own wishes so much (flashback to 1986!) that it has more of an impact when it comes from someone else.

*sigh*

Just like I'm always looking for the fundamental reasons that I suck at poker, I'm always looking for the fundamental reasons I suck at life. It's no coincidence that I believe when I fix one I'll fix the other.

already posted you-know-where

2009-04-12T20:33:00.003-03:00

How to prepare/defend?

He made the right call on the flop, given what he had.

Should I have played more defensively?

Should I be better prepared for the worst?

Should I have checked the flop and waited to see what came on the turn, just in case it was a danger card? Risk winning less to risk losing less?
(I anticipate the argument that I should have slowed down when my opponent called the flop because he might already have the flush; let me say that once again I knew he didn't, that he only had one spade. I fired again on the turn because I hadn't anticipated the additional straight draw. Oh, and don't bother asking how I knew he only had one spade 'cause I've answered similar questions a zillion times before and no one ever believes that I 'just knew'. )

Full Tilt Poker $0.05/$0.10 No Limit Hold'em - 9 players - View hand 94169
The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter

Jeniojon (UTG+2): $4.25
Slyone_90 (MP1): $10.61
spainfish (MP2): $2.59
imaass (CO): $4.67
d3llanAA (BTN): $2.51
ebbelwoi333 (SB): $3.65
Hero (BB): $10.00
domson23 (UTG): $7.71
mopsturtle (UTG+1): $2.89
Pre Flop: ($0.15) Hero is BB with T T
domson23 calls $0.10, 1 fold, Jeniojon raises to $0.20, 1 fold, spainfish calls $0.20, 3 folds, Hero calls $0.10, domson23 calls $0.10
Flop: ($0.85) T 2 Q (4 players)
Hero bets $0.85, domson23 folds, Jeniojon folds, spainfish calls $0.85
Turn: ($2.55) J (2 players)
Hero bets $2, spainfish calls $1.54 all in
River: ($5.63) 4 (2 players - 1 is all in)
Final Pot: $5.63
spainfish shows A K (a straight, Ace high)
Hero shows T T (three of a kind, Tens)
spainfish wins $5.26
(Rake: $0.37)

posted on fulltiltforum.com

2009-04-12T12:14:00.005-03:00

Nitty volume game not going so well

I'm playing the volume game. Eight-tabling at .05/.10. I'm folding almost everything and just playing the best hands. I'm folding small pairs virtually every time and only playing medium pairs in position. I only play AJ if it's been folded to me and I can raise with it in late position. My VPIP is less than 10 at almost every table. The only time that changes is when I get a run of good cards. My PFR is going to be the same as my VPIP in most situations.
In other words, I'm on auto-pilot.

Should I be more alert for sets? Should I reduce the number of tables I play so that my radar can be better-tuned?

If not, what should I do?

Full Tilt Poker $0.05/$0.10 No Limit Hold'em - 8 players - View hand 93794
The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter

dotsu (BTN): $1.70
pearlxman (SB): $9.55
Hero (BB): $10.00
DraftDodger7 (UTG): $2.23
DedUSSR (UTG+1): $2.00
Bobobowser (MP1): $14.27
TightTeddie (MP2): $11.08
Halfbeasty (CO): $13.73
Pre Flop: ($0.15) Hero is BB with A K
3 folds, TightTeddie raises to $0.30, 3 folds, Hero calls $0.20
Flop: ($0.65) K T 9 (2 players)
Hero bets $0.65, TightTeddie raises to $1.76, Hero calls $1.11
Turn: ($4.17) 8 (2 players)
Hero checks, TightTeddie bets $2.50, Hero calls $2.50
River: ($9.17) A (2 players)
Hero checks, TightTeddie bets $4.44, Hero raises to $5.44 all in, TightTeddie calls $1
Final Pot: $20.05
Hero shows A K (two pair, Aces and Kings)
TightTeddie shows 9 9 (three of a kind, Nines)
TightTeddie wins $18.72
(Rake: $1.33)
...

Full Tilt Poker $0.05/$0.10 No Limit Hold'em - 8 players - View hand 93799
The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter

Hero (BTN): $12.27
DEALER ME IN (SB): $10.55
Piggedi (BB): $6.53
sadism (UTG): $4.14
dotsu (UTG+1): $3.49
7gifojaluz7 (MP1): $2.00
7Oleg7 (MP2): $1.99
ivanontilt (CO): $11.50
Pre Flop: ($0.15) Hero is BTN with A K
5 folds, Hero raises to $0.35, DEALER ME IN calls $0.30, 1 fold
Flop: ($0.80) A 3 2 (2 players)
DEALER ME IN checks, Hero bets $0.80, DEALER ME IN calls $0.80
Turn: ($2.40) 8 (2 players)
DEALER ME IN checks, Hero checks
River: ($2.40) T (2 players)
DEALER ME IN checks, Hero bets $2.40, DEALER ME IN calls $2.40
Final Pot: $7.20
Hero shows A K (a pair of Aces)
DEALER ME IN shows 8 8 (three of a kind, Eights)
DEALER ME IN wins $6.72
(Rake: $0.48)
...

Full Tilt Poker $0.05/$0.10 No Limit Hold'em - 7 players - View hand 93800
The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter

Da Griz (UTG): $4.46
Chacha-inn (UTG+1): $2.04
iknowJS (MP): $5.96
EllendeAnja (CO): $2.50
ThePark911 (BTN): $8.60
whatsup9650 (SB): $9.90
Hero (BB): $11.31
Pre Flop: ($0.15) Hero is BB with 6 K
4 folds, ThePark911 calls $0.10, 1 fold, Hero checks
Flop: ($0.25) K J 7 (2 players)
Hero checks, ThePark911 bets $0.10, Hero calls $0.10
Turn: ($0.45) 5 (2 players)
Hero checks, ThePark911 checks
River: ($0.45) 6 (2 players)
Hero bets $0.25, ThePark911 raises to $0.50, Hero calls $0.25
Final Pot: $1.45
ThePark911 shows 5 5 (three of a kind, Fives)
Hero mucks 6 K
ThePark911 wins $1.36
(Rake: $0.09)
...

I'm down a buyin again and I can't really take it anymore.

Beyond my own mistakes and the coolers, it's been a rough weekend for bad beats, too. If I weren't playing so conservatively and leaving tables when I start to tilt I'd be in much worse shape; I'm doing my very best to minimize my losses. I'm only down two buyins since Thursday.

Simple suggestions?

the nit method, cash game version

2009-04-11T12:39:00.002-03:00

Here's the short version of the story:

In the first session, the one at the bottom of the list, not only did I play 'marginal' hands (88 was common), I couldn't let go of those that started well but whose value was dramatically diminished by the flop. I called four-bets and shoves from short-stackers because I knew I wouldn't lose 'much', despite my instinct that I was behind.
Overall, some bad play. I lost the most with QQ, for example. Even some of my KK losses were preventable; I just *knew* my opponent had the AA.
I lost half a buyin with 33 when my opponent's 88 hit a better set on the turn (my set was on the flop). The best part of that match? It was a classic SB vs. BB battle (I was in the small, so I could very easily have let my 33 go).

I still have trouble not raising with AQ and AJ, let along tossing those hands. But I'll keep working on it. I know that there are at least two keys to the level I'm playing: volume and stacking opponents with solid hands.

update!

2009-04-05T16:19:00.001-03:00

I played another nine sngs and at first I was sure I wouldn't be doing it again. One after another - bang, bang, bang - I was busting out.
I finished out of the money in five of the nine, which definitely isn't good. But the other four finishes made up for it, happily.
I finished third in two and first in two.
Here's the summary of the two sessions; the most recent is on top:

It's still not exactly where I want it (25% ROI), but the improvement is encouraging. That improvement, by the way, is in spite of several mistakes this time around, with 88, Qh2c (don't ask), TT and a Jx hand I can't even find now. Ugh.

Still, here are the overall results:

One other thing I learned this time around: don't try to chat on AIM. It's very bad. :-P

experiment with $1 turbo sngs

2009-04-05T12:43:00.002-03:00

After spending a couple of hours with BDiddy, watching him play two 16-table sessions of $20 DoNs on Stars and then playing two myself, this morning I decided to experiment with a similar playing style on FTP with their $1 Turbo SNGs.
As you can see, the results weren't horrible. I made a couple of mistakes, once not shoving AA pre-, another time shoving J8o when someone had already shoved before me (I survived that one, barely, and even managed to restore my stack to some dignity before finally going out with 55 versus a much sexier AcTc).
Still, if I'd only gotten third in one more event I would have been up overall.

I'll probably try it one more time. I want to see if I can make at least 25% ROI overall. To do that I'd be spending $11.25 and I'd have to win $14, a gain of $5 or 55% over this morning.

Sounds like fun.