Wonderland

I have been chasing a rabbit.

It's not by accident, though it may look that way.

Leaving university at the end of 1987, when I was more than halfway through my degree, wasn't planned, though it suited my nature. I went to Quebec City, improved my French to bilingualism, joined a cult and got engaged.

I left Quebec first, then the engagement, then the cult. I still have enough French to get by.

Charlottetown was next. I knew I could write a little - my major had been English Literature - so I made a move towards a career in journalism. My mother had died in 1997 and I was anchorless; it was time to be a grown up.

Again, I left school early. For a job this time, not a man. Off to British Columbia!

(I graduated, I just wasn't there to collect my diploma. I regretted that.)

When that blew up I landed in northern Alberta, though it wasn't new to me. Dad and Step-Dad were both military men and had had postings there.

I had ambitions because it seemed that's what people did. I was willing to do the work, so when I got a chance at a daily paper I raced across the country in my ill-fated Dodge Neon.

New Glasgow was a disaster. Depression, bad decisions, a Tim Horton's with an exit into a three-lane road. It ended with a bang and a whimper.

As with all the other times, I returned to the Annapolis Valley to hide in shame.

When I got strong enough to pretend again, I looked for work. I was done with reporting, particularly since there weren't any jobs.

By 2009 the call centre thing was going pretty well. I had a coveted position as a trainer and a few remarkable people were good to me. I started to understand who I was.

Returning to Alberta was a bad idea, but there was a man involved. That didn't compensate, if I'm honest, because he kind of thrived. I was out of place and didn't know why until it was far too late.

Hindsight is stupid.

Still, I've come to know myself, which is how I know that I've been chasing a rabbit.

The process has made me feel lost, sure, but that's because I thought the rabbit was something I had to catch. I thought it was a prize, like the answer to all my questions, or the solution to my confusion, or my life's purpose.

But no. My purpose is to chase the rabbit ... to see where it takes me. That's my nature, and Wonderland - with its surprises and terrors and hallucinogens - is where I live.